I started this whole post but realized that all I really want to say is this:


It has officially been one month since we broke up.
It has been getting easier every day but I am angry; and I will be angry for a long time to come.
"Isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing."
That's exactly how I feel right now but I won't let it get to me.
I have found the difference between a good person and a great person...
and I will be great.

I will gain more from this than he ever will. That much I know. My ability to accept change and my willingness to endure change is where we will differentiate.

I am now seeing that I can lose what seems like everything
and gain it all right back.

I am going to be just fine...
because I am discovering me.

Everything Changes

I don't seem to have any time for anything lately. My lunch hours at work are now devoted to running errands it seems. My eating schedule has been thrown completely for a loop and I'm sure my metabolism (or whats left of it) has taken an even greater beating.

Today at lunch I will have to take my car over to the dealership to get an oil change, but not without getting gas first of course. What a pain in the ass. I've been going to the bank and crap at lunches as well or just working right through them so that I can leave work an hour or two early to make it to other appointments. It's ridiculous.

This is one thing I hate about this job -- the hours are really inconvenient. I used to be off at 2:30, home by quarter after 3, so if I really had to do something I could do it after work since most businesses don't close until 5 at the earliest. But, I don't miss waking up at quarter to 5 in the morning so I'll settle for these hours.

Now I will just have to keep penciling things in for 12/12:30 just to get them done. Like renewing my drivers license next week will have to be done on my lunch hour because good old ICBC closes at 5.

As well, my weekends have somehow disappeared completely. It seems like every weekend is now packed with stuff to do as well as every week night.

This weekend ended up being quite entertaining. For some reason I can no longer drink anything without getting hungover. Friday I wasn't able to eat all day except for a granola bar, I made the mistake of going to the pub and having TWO drinks with Marco and Marci. Screwed me right over, I was puking the next morning. TWO DRINKS. That's it, TWO. It was complete bullshit. Like, "I got a hangover for THAT?!" ... stupid. I wasn't impressed at all. However had I eaten I would have been just fine but I didn't even have time to eat because we were SUPPOSED to be going to the pub for dinner. Don't even get me started on how that got screwed up.

Saturday my friend Rat came over from the island. We call him Rat, his real name is Aaron. Where the nickname comes from I don't know but whatever. He was looking to buy a car so him and I drove all over New West, Burnaby, and eventually all the way out to Richmond so that he could find a car. The first test drive was the sketchiest test drive I think anyone's ever had.

No jokes, the car wouldn't start because it had been "sitting there for two weeks" ... whatever. So the guy grabs some cables and jump starts it, we make it out of the lot and up the hill, haven't even passed the dealership yet and the car stalls. Get this -- it doesn't start back up. The salesman had to jump into the drivers seat and put the car in neutral, back us down the hill and back into the lot, then he got someone to help him PUSH the car back to where it will sit until they probably burn the thing.

I couldn't believe it when he still tried to say "oh we'll just jump start it again, it'll be fine, you can test drive one of the other cars in this model till we get this one running then you can buy this one!" Rat just looked at the guy and was like "yeah I'm thinking no." ...

He ended up getting a car in Richmond then we drove back to my place so I could charge my phone and get the scoop on what the plans were for the fights that night. As soon as I was able to figure that out we drove out to Kits to watch the fights at some place called Migs. I ate the most delicious frickin pulled pork sandwich ever. Oh god was it good. I could eat another one right now.

The fights ended up being awesome. None of us were expecting much but there were definitely some good scraps and quite a few good knock outs.

After that Rat and I headed over to Toby's to meet up with my roommate and have a few drinks.

Finally we all went back home, I made up Rats bed on the pull out couch and went to bed, even though him and Ashley were still wide awake. I was sooo tired. Then yet again after only having FOUR drinks (over the course of like 6 hours) I somehow ended up with a pukey hangover in the morning. Disgusting.

Finally we ended up getting off our asses around 1 and went downtown so he could pick up a few things, then he left town around 5:30. I did NOTHING for the rest of the night. It was quite glorious.

Tonight I'm debating between going and seeing a movie with Alicia and everyone or staying home, getting some reading done, and watching "dating in the dark."

If you haven't seen it yet, watch it. It's definitely my new guilty pleasure TV show. It's so cheesy but so great at the same time.

This weekend was crazy busy. Very fun, got to see a few people that I haven't seen in a long time. I haven't seen Rat in 4 years and Marco and Marci I haven't seen for quite a few months now.

Next weekend I'll be heading to the Island to visit more people that I haven't seen in years, and apparently will be attempting to play beersby. I'm terrified because judging by this weekend, I'm going to be useless to society for at least a day after we play beersby. I realllllllly am not feeling up to that just yet. Ugh. This new found "I'm going to have a hangover everytime I have a fucking drink" thing is going to become extremely inconvenient.

Finally some good things!

UFC UFC UFC UFC UFC UFC UFC

UFC'S COMING TO VANCOUVER IN JUNE 2010 WHOOOOOOOOOO!

So frickin excited. I don't care how expensive tickets are going to be, I'm going to do everything in my power to get them!

In other great news. Approved for loan. Funding for school will be available as of Tuesday therefor nothing more to stress out about. YAY! :D

Great frickin day I tell you! GREAT day!

How Dumb You Sure Are

I happen to work with a native woman. I am not a complete racist and I do have native friends, but I am usually the first one to use the word "indian" and make bingo jokes and casino jokes. Not to mention any other joke you can make. I could probably do the best native impression you've ever heard.

It's all because of where I'm from, if you grew up there you too would understand. I have actually been told many times before that I have a slight native accent. It's gone now, but definitely when I first moved and still used the phrase "real dumb you are" the accent was quite clear. I am as white as you can get but somehow, I had a native accent.

It is no lie that indians like to gamble and in a small town like Fort the only "gambling" they can do is play bingo. So every Thursday night (I think they had another night too but Thursday night is the original bingo night) they would get together at the K'wah Hall and play Bingo. The parking lot would be PACKED and the gym smelled of booze, mukluks, and bingo dabbers.

Anyways, so on my first day of work I walked into my office and low and behold, there is a native woman sitting at one of the desks. My first reaction was "nice, a native that actually works!" ... That is not to be racist but where I'm from, not many of the natives work. Most of them live off government cheques so I am actually thrilled to see natives work.

When I first met her I was expecting her to know exactly where Fort St. James was and that she would probably have at least 50 relatives there, but I was blown away by the fact that she didn't have a clue as to where Fort was. I also half expected her to have a full blown native accent but it's not even that bad.

After a few days there she would always come and talk to me. Now she comes into my office every day to say good morning and asks how I'm doing or what I did the day/weekend before. I swear to God it's like everywhere I go the indians just flock towards me. It's like they smell indian town on me or something. It never fails.

So the other day she comes into my office and asks how my weekend was and what I got up to. I told her I didn't get up to much as I was dog sitting but I did have dinner with some friends on the Saturday night. Then, as most people do in a conversation, I asked her, "What did you do all weekend?"

... Because this woman is a hard working native I immediately dismissed the "indian" stereotype that is implanted in my brain. This being because she actually has a job and works very hard at it and pays for things the same way everyone else does. She is also a really good person.

Well... I should have been braced for the response I got but instead due to the fact that I didn't have her stereotyped I was completely taken off guard and almost lost control.

I shit you not, this was her response.

"Well I went and played bingo at the casino! I had a really good night, I won 400 dollars so I did pretty good."

I instantly started smiling and tried not to laugh, and it's not because I was laughing at her, but because it just reminded me so much of home and all I could think was "are you fucking kidding me? How does this shit follow me everywhere I go?!" ... so I smiled politely and kept the conversation going. Meanwhile in my head all I can think about is a conversation we had at Shaz's with Chad at the dinner table.

Then... to make matters worse, this is what she said next:

"Yeah and then I went garage saling. I found a mink blanket for 2 dollars! It was brand new too, never been taken out of the bag even! It was such an awesome deal."

... I'm sorry, what?! I almost couldn't hold it back any longer. I had to immediately remove myself from my thoughts and carry on the conversation the best I could without seeming like an asshole. I really was trying my best not to be an asshole because again, I wasn't laughing at her but just the fact that it was SO stereotypically indian!

Bingo, at the casino, and a mink fucking blanket.

I can't even handle it.

Finally she left my office and I pretty much burst out laughing. Why do things like this have to happen to me? I swear it's probably only funny because of where I'm from. I'm sure most people could sit through that conversation with a straight face but I just couldn't do it. When you grew up saying the phrases "suck, how dumb you sure are" or when you referred to people as "golth" (pronounced gol-sthpsch -- yes that's right) you just can't help but laugh at things like this.

I fully expect to be going to hell after this post. But seriously, a fucking mink blanket?!

Le Sucky Balls

Dear dad,

I am writing to kindly remind you that you need to confirm the gun transfer before the transfer can be finalized.

If you have already done so, please disregard this message.

If you have not already done so, I suggest you get the fuck on it.

Love,

Your Coolest Daughter


... Yes that's right, he still hasn't finished his end of the bargain! I sent him a "friendly reminder" this morning to tell him to get on it. Hopefully the guns will be in my name soon so that I can maybe take them out and play target practice before I get out hunting. He claims he's getting old and forgetful so he will try to remember to call them this week. I call bullshit.

Why is applying for a student loan such a complicated thing? This is seriously ridiculous. First off my income is pretty much equal to dick squat, therefor a loan is necessity in this scenario. There's no way I could have saved up for school in this 11 month time frame. So I've been trying to figure out all this loan business.

I was going to go to the bank but my friend told me to try to apply for a student loan first. I started an application and was immediately rejected on the second question. "Will you be working full time while attending school?" ... "yes" ... "Sorry, you are not eligible for a full-time loan."

Go fuck yourself.

So I called today to see if there was a way around it. I explained that yes I would still be working Monday to Friday because I was only going to school Saturdays, Sundays, and Monday nights. She told me "Oh okay, then what you need to do is apply for a PART-time student loan."

Perfect. I print out the application, I fill out all of my information, then I get to the part that the school has to fill out. I send an e-mail to someone at JCI to ask her who I would see about filling out that portion, and she informed me that I would have to apply for a FULL-time loan because the course is considered FULL TIME... even though it's only 20 hours a week. Apparently because it's such an intense load of work in those 20 hours it's equal to a full time course.

The catch to applying for a full time loan is that you cannot do so if you work more than 32 hours per week. Ahhh school loans, you yet again bite me in the ass, just like round one.

I will fucking win this loan battle once and for all!

So now it's looking like it's time for Plan B. Which is to go to the bank and try. Which ORIGINALLY was plan A, but then my friend told me to try for a student loan first. He told me "it's so easy they give money to anyone." ... Oh really?

Apparently not d-bag.

Seriously though, can you sense the bitterness?

Plan C will consist of doing a payment plan with the school. And plan D will consist of becoming a hooker.

Guess I should start picking out my finest pair of high heels now. Does anyone have a pair of thigh high white boots like the hookers on seymour have?

Seriously though, it will get figured out. I do have a plan D should it resort to that, but hopefully this will all end with Plan B.

Also, my phone arrived today. It's about time. I was confused because I got a UPS letter under the door saying they tried to drop something off but I have to be there to sign for it yadda yadda so they would try again tomorrow night... then randomly I had a text message from my landlord telling me I have a package in the laundry room. I was quite confused because I was already highly disappointed that I would have to wait ANOTHER day for my new phone. So unless they just left a note anyways, I may have another package? But I'm not expecting anything so I think they just screwed up.

Now that sucker is charging and I should be able to start using it tomorrow. If I can figure it out in time. It's really girly, white and pink with some blue and shit on there. Little flippy out keyboard thing which I am horrible at using. I hate adjusting to the new phone thing.

Oh well. At least it's something new and shiny to keep my attention for awhile.

I Swear I'll Know Your Face In The Crowd

I can't really express to anyone how I'm really feeling on days like today, at least not anyone outside of my family, and we all know how far away they are. I'm still having trouble really talking to people, and what I say on here is pretty limited.

I'm slowly putting things away I've noticed. I've slowly started the "I don't want to see that anymore" thing... Pictures are finding their ways into drawers to be lost until the next time I go to look for something and accidentally come across them. I'm catching myself talking in present tense at times and then it makes it awkward because I have to go back and correct myself to use past tense. I find myself having this increasing urge to want to get away, but with an even bigger urge to want to stay. None of it's easy.

I found myself wondering tonight how long it will be before he stops being a part of my every day thoughts or conversations. I dated Andy for 6 months (lets not count 2 of them because they were a waste of my time,) yet somehow I still find myself thinking about him at least every few weeks. It's been 3 years since Andy and I broke up. If someone can impact that many years of your life after only being a part of it for a few short months, how does someone like Dario compare?

In due time. It's all in due time.

The curiosity kills you. You find yourself wondering how they're doing, wondering if they're okay or if they have shitty nights as well. You wonder if he thinks of you as much as you think of him. Cutting the ties is a hard thing. You spend all this time together, you talk every day, see eachother every other day... then nothing at all. It's a hard thing not knowing. It's always the not knowing that does people in. Not knowing when you'll be ready to really let it all go.

I find for myself that there usually comes a day where I just feel that I'm ready to let it all go. It's like I wake up and I feel it, I just feel that I'm done with it and I am content. For any "loss/breakup" situation I've always done that. There has always come a day for me where I just feel at peace with everything and am ready to let it be and move on. Sometimes that process takes a few months, sometimes it takes years. I feel like this will be set foot on the longer time frame. It's all a process of finding myself and asking myself "what do you want Marlee?" It's a process that takes a long time to figure out.

All I want right now is peace, acceptance, patience, and strength.

Switchfoot - You

Doin' Time

Well, it's another weekend come and gone. I didn't get to relax as much as I would have liked to, and it's not looking like I will get to this week either.

I suppose I should just suck it up and take advantage of the busy schedule since I'm sure it'll slow down come winter. Every time I say I'm going to "take it easy this week" I end up not being able to. I have far too many things on the go right now to be able to relax just yet. I'm hoping to catch a bit of a break at the end of October before school starts up because then I really won't have any time for anything. The countdown is on, I'm about two months away from having no life!

Work is also really busy and I haven't been able to catch up yet. Since I've switched offices I've spent a lot of time trying to get organized again. I think I've finally done that, well, the best it can be anyhow.

I spent the weekend taking care of T.Mo's dog George. He kept me pretty busy and reminded me as to how stupid I would be if I got a dog (or any other pet for that matter) at this time. I don't think I'll be getting pets for many years to come. I love animals but I definitely don't have the time to spend with one in order to give it a good life.

Aside from babysitting what can only be described as a toddler with fur, I spent a good portion of my weekend researching businesses, properties, and houses. There's a few things on my mind that I really want to accomplish in the next 5-10 years. Now that I've spent some time looking into what I need to do I figure I will share a bit.

I've been thinking about buying a house and whether or not I would want to buy here or elsewhere. I spent some time looking at the price market on homes in Burnaby and the rest of the province. I decided that if I wanted to stay here I would have to buy a duplex or something because I would not be able to afford the mortgage on a house. I looked at places in Langley/Surrey etc but I just don't want to live out there. I don't have anything against those places but I just feel at home in Burnaby, and it's convenient, central, and has everything I could need or want.

I looked at some homes in Prince George as well but I just don't want to move back there. However looking at the costs of a house there reminds me how insane I am to want to keep living here, but to me the pros outweigh the cons by far.

For now since buying a house is obviously going to be many years from now I started thinking about what I want to do with my hairdressing. Do I want to work for someone else? Do I want to start my own business? What are the benefits of having your own business? Consequently, what are the downsides to having your own business? Would I buy into an already successful franchise, or would I take a risk and try to be successful in opening my own place? Would I buy or lease the property? How do I gain the most amount of experience before starting a business so I can maximize clientelle and profit?

I started reading a few articles here and there and the thought of opening your own business is definitely terrifying. It would have to be my one and only focus in order to be successful. It also means that my life will become very revolved around my work which I'm not entirely certain I'm ready for or if I even want to have a life like that so that decision will be something made over a good amount of time after a great deal of research.

There's all sorts of aspects to it. Obviously if I wanted to open a business it would be, again, years from now so in the mean time I would have to gain the experience and knowledge to be able to pull something like that off.

When I wrote in my last post about possibly leaving the country for awhile, it was in reference to work. Once I am done my course I would like to stay here for one year to gain experience, pay off my student loans, and save up some cash to head out of the country.

I would either like to go to Milan, or London. Since both are major fashion capitals it strictly becomes about "which would have more to offer me?" ... That question doesn't just translate towards work, but also towards "which place would I enjoy more?"

I've been to England before, I spent a day in London so it wasn't nearly enough time to remotely tell if I would like it, but judging by how I felt about the rest of the places I saw in England... I wasn't a major fan. I particularly HATED their food. Ugh English food is terrible. Scotland was fun but again, I've already been there so I'd like to go somewhere I haven't been.

Oddly enough I have always wanted to go to Italy. It's always been on my "list of places to see before I die" so to speak. It just sounds like such a beautiful place and I want to be a part of it for awhile.

The downside to the "wants vs. needs" is that a place in the UK may be more beneficial to my career/experience as opposed to Milan. So what do I do? Do I go somewhere where I may not gain the experience I hoped to but have the trip of a lifetime? Or do I go to a place that I'm not overly fond of to gain the most experience I can? ... I am definitely leaning more towards Italy.

Either way it's not like I will get "bad" experience. I think no matter what I do I'm at least going to enjoy myself. I really just want to take some time out for me and enjoy making my own decisions that aren't influenced by any one else. Once I've come back from my 6-12 month "adventure" then I will return to regular life and start to get myself settled in Burnaby. By that time I will be 25 and will already have started saving towards either opening a business or buying a house, or both. Who knows.

It's a very long time before this all happens, BUT come May of 2011 I'll be going somewhere amazing.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

I'm at home today, resting.

I'm pmsing like a mother. This IUD takes time to adjust. They say usually a few weeks for you to be "cramp free" but what they mean by that is after you get it put in you have consistent painful cramps for a couple weeks straight. Those go away, but for the next few months around the time of your period your body is still trying to adjust to having this crazy foreign device in it. So I usually get a good day or two of mad cramping but then it goes away. Last night the cramps kept me up and all morning they've been pretty bad, but they're finally easing up thanks to extra strength advil.

The good news though is that things are getting better in that department. Slowly but surely. In a few months I may even be completely period-free. Wouldn't that be awesome? 5 years of no periods, friggen rights. I'd take it. I think I've paid my dues.

It's definitely proving to be worth the pain of getting the thing put in. Seriously, it's your worst gut wrenching period cramp, the kind that makes you throw up and cry... then times that by about 10. It's also been a bit of a pain in the ass because you have irregular "spotting" they call it for the first few months while your body adjusts. I'm hoping that will taper off because it's highly irritating. BUT if it helps, I'll take it. There's no other side effects yet other than that.

Other news.. hm. My cousin left this morning, she'll be back possibly on Sunday, possibly not till next weekend. I don't know. All I know is I'm really looking forward to relaxing this weekend. I'm so exhausted. We did a lot of shopping. I didn't spend too much money. I bought two pairs of shoes, and I bought this shirt dress thing that you can wear with tights. I don't know, it looked cute on in the store, hopefully it looks cute on when I actually go to wear it. I'm really trying hard to break out of my jeans and t-shirt mode. I have a new mentality while shopping, and that is "would I think this is cute if I saw someone else wearing it??" if the answer is yes, then I will try it on. It may or may not look good on me, and I'm willing to accept it when it doesn't, but normally I will pass by those "cute clothes" because I think "oh it would never look good on me." ... It's turning out that a lot of them look okay on me.

My brothers girlfriend was here on Wednesday so we met up with her downtown for dinner and some more shopping. She was very sweet. My brother told her to find a gift for me for my birthday, so she picked out this really cute (and GIANT) volcom purse. I'm in love with it but I have to get used to the size of the thing. I could probably fit about 4 pairs of shoes in there and still have room for my wallet and camera etc. It's enourmous. It's a fuscia colour too, really cute. I'll take a picture soon.

I also finally ordered myself a new phone. I went to discuss it once a few months ago but they told me I would have to pay at least 100 bucks to buy one, and I refused so I was holding out till I couldn't hold out anymore. I finally sucked it up and decided I would spend the money, but when I went back there and talked to someone else, it turns out I could phone rogers to "upgrade" my phone and I ended up getting the phone I would have bought for free. So it works out perfectly, it should arrive either today or Monday.

I'm pretty much set on the shopping thing for awhile now. I have a few things I would like to get yet but those will wait until I can afford it again. I am still teaching myself the value of saving. I've had some ideas floating through my head lately of what I might do a few years from now regarding my career and life so saving will be a necessity to make either of those work.

I guess I've been a bit of a day-dreamer lately. There's nothing that could possibly hold me back from focusing on those dreams now because I no longer have "the family dream" in the picture. It's a tough pill to swallow because I do want that life one day, but for now that's all it is, is "one day." There are no excuses for me anymore. I used to say hairdressing would always be a good back up plan and if I had kids I could stay home with them while cutting hair at home... and sure, one day I might still do that, BUT, that one day is not anytime soon. So why not take this all further than I had planned before?

It's scary because I don't know whether or not I will be successful with these ideas, but regardless I know that if I don't try I will never know, and that no matter what happens I can at least look back and say "meh, better luck next time!"

I won't go into details yet because for now it's all just "ideas" and until I make them goals then that's all they will be. I have a lot of researching and planning to do and once I get some of that done then I can have a more educated/realistic view on it all. Then I will divulge in some info.

It may or may not involve leaving the country for awhile, not permanently, just for awhile. That's all I'm going to say.

I know that in the end I'm sure I'm going to find something great in my life.

Everything's a Rush

My day is over in about 5 minutes. I didn't get everything accomplished that I hoped to today, but I did 95% through it. Ugh, disaster.

I'm trying to get ahold of my cousin to find out where she is, so I can meet up with her, then drive to the hospital/cancer clinic and meet up with Jon and Ellie.

He figured he'd be done around 4 but he's only just going for his MRI now and I think those take about 45 minutes or so to do. I don't even think I'll be there in that amount of time since I still have to quickly run home, change, and then find my cousin, and go there.

This week is a gong show. I'm definitely looking forward to the weekend.

More Bacon Please

First off, let me start by saying I do not hate animals, in fact, I love animals very much. I like all animals and even reptiles. Snakes, lizards, none of them bother me. I think they're all cute in their own way.

People say I am a hypocrite though because I hunt... and how can you love animals if you hunt? Well... I'll explain.

I will NEVER give up meat unless for some reason I get some medical condition that forces me to have to stop eating meat. Meat to me is a necessity in my diet. I understand that you can replace your meat with other proteins, but I hate the taste of most of those other proteins. To me, bacon is FAR better than some chunks of tofu. Sure I can eat a vegetarian meal every now and again and some of them are very tasty, but after a few days go by I need meat, my body craves it. When you were raised like I was, it's not an easy task to just wipe meat out of your diet.

This is where the hunting business comes in. I have gone hunting with my dad as far back as I can remember. I enjoy it.

Judge me all you want, I really don't care. The same way vegetarians/vegans have their opinions, I have my own. You can go ahead and argue why you think I shouldn't kill animals, but you'll never win. You can tell me "picture them on your plate," and it still won't work.

I do picture them on my plate, I picture them on my plate when I come across them in the bush. When I see a big moose standing there, I have no sympathy at all for it. It's a totally different demeanor that hunting brings on. I separate myself from my feelings towards animals and it strictly becomes about man vs. food. Fact remains is that I'm still going to eat meat no matter how I get it, and I'd rather get it from the wild than in a store.

Most of you don't know what particular cow you are eating. It's just a pack of meat you got from the store that you're told is steroid free, raised humanely, and fed organic grains. Some people do visit the farms and stuff that these animals are raised on, but you still don't know what particular cow you are eating... you're just eating a cow from that farm.

Where as at least when I sit down and eat some moose (or any other animal for that matter,) I know what that animal looked like, roughly how much it weighed, how many points it had on it's antlers (in the case that it's a bull.) ... I know the general age of that moose, and how long the meat was hung for. I will have pictures of it in my photo albums. I will look back and think "wow that was still the best moose I've ever eaten." And on top of it all, I will have spent some quality time with some family or friends making awesome memories that I'll have for the rest of my life. I'll look back and say "hey _____, remember that hunting trip we went on where we shot that big bull?"

That animal will be something I remember for the rest of my life... where as to a lot of people, their steak is just another meal that will be forgotten all about.

Everyone associates BAD things with hunting when really, the animals I kill will have more meaning to me in my life than anything I could ever buy from a store. No matter what farm it was raised on or how humanely it was raised.

I eat meat GUILT FREE. And there is nothing that will ever change that.

Busy Bee Be Buzzin

Is there a scent that women have when they're single? Cause somebody please tell me what the deal is here.

I have been hit on a few times yeah, but not often is it so blatant. Now all of a sudden between yesterday and today, I've been creeped on 4 different times.

One in particular was REALLY creepy as this guy literally leaned his head out of the car window and stared at me while I waited to cross the street. Before that when he had first driven by, he whistled out the window at me. Like come the fuck on!

And the staring thing? Just plain creepy. Who does that shit?

On the bright side I finally for the first time in about 2 years, bought myself a pair of new heels, and a pair of flats.

I haven't bought shoes since I moved to Vancouver. The last pair of "nice" shoes that I bought were my red heels for the trevisani banquet in 2007. It's been a long time. The only shoe purchase I've made since then was to buy myself a pair of running shoes. That's it.

I feel my purchases were more than justified. Besides, I got a wicked deal on the heels and I'd seen them in May and wanted them then, however they were 130 bucks and when I saw them yesterday they were 50% off... so yeah I'll pay 65 bucks for a pair of 130 dollar shoes that are flashy as shit! They're even comfortable.

Then I bought the flats because I really needed a pair of flats that were dressy enough to wear to work, but casual enough to wear out with jeans... Finally, after months of searching, I found a pair.

The only pair of shoes I really need now is a pair of black pumps. That would be something worth an investment but those will just have to wait for another time.

In other news, my office at work has now been moved upstairs. LET THERE BE LIGHT!! I have a dumpload of work to do today.

My cousin is officially here... have I mentioned that yet/already? ... Last night we did the shopping thing, tonight we're doing the movie thing. My brothers girlfriend is also here so we're meeting with her tomorrow night now, had to cancel coffee with Melissa (I'll catch up another time I promise!!) ... and the Thursday my friend Jon is here for more cancer tests so I will finally see him! It has been months since I last saw him.

This weekend will be relatively low key, and next week probably will be as well. Actually, I'm going to MAKE next week be low key because I need the relax time but I also have a lot of shit to catch up on in my own life... IE getting funds ready for school etc.

Gong show.

I Guess It's Sinking In

This is my 301st post. Does that even make sense? 301st? ... it sounds weird.

Anyways...

I woke up feeling like the worlds biggest piece of shit on Saturday. I didn't even get out of my bed till almost 3 in the afternoon, didn't eat or drink anything until 4:30, and didn't shower till about 7:30. The only times I would get up was to either throw up, or take a piss. Not fun at all.

I had an alright time the night before, but I won't be doing that shit very often. It's just not my idea of a good night. I mean it's not that I hated every second of it or anything, I met people, I made conversation, I danced, I had a decent time... but I'd just rather be at a pub or at home. I hate that if you go to a club you're a lot more likely to be hit on since most people in those places are just there looking to get laid. I'm not even close to being ready to deal with that sort of thing yet, and I'm not going to be for quite some time, so I think I'm going to be opting to sit out those events from now on until I'm in a better place emotionally and mentally.

I like the relaxed environment a lot more, with easy going friends whose goals aren't to get completely wasted as fast as they can. It's going to be difficult making friends, it's hard to come by good people that you have things in common with. It's just as hard to do as trying to find someone to date, if not harder.

I don't know... I'm managing to get through okay for now. I'm still not happy. I'm having all sorts of crazy dreams again which always happens when I'm stressed or upset. Last night I had a dream that I was at Dario's house for some reason, but it didn't look like his house. There were a bunch of wild cats on the deck, a huge tiger and a female lion... I think a cougar as well. The tiger attacked me by jumping over the baby gate (as if that's going to keep out a tiger) ... and then I ran outside and Dario came home and started yelling at me. It just sucked.

I don't know, I'm glad he's happy I guess. That makes one of us. I'll get there one day, it just won't be as fast as he seems to have gotten there. It's hard sitting back knowing someone you care so deeply for appears to be doing just fine without you.

I think once my cousin leaves I'm going to take a break from things and just spend some time alone. I haven't been spending very much time by myself and I need a break from the busy schedule to just sit and reflect on things. I think it's all really starting to sink in and I need to let it.

I hate seeing what he's up to, or hearing about what he's up to. I hate it because it's not with me, and I wish it was.

Yep, I've said it.

I really miss him. I miss him every day. I say I'm okay even when I'm not. It's as though if I say it out loud or write it down that it makes it true. I need that constant reassurance even if it is just coming from myself. Truth is though at the end of every day, even if I don't cry it's all I think about. I eat, sleep, and breathe it. Part of me feels like I would feel better if I knew he missed me a little too, but the fact is... I don't think he does.

People expect me to be angry with him for what he did or how he's going about this, and believe me, some days I am. But I still don't hate him, I still miss him, and I still love him.

I know that this is what needed to happen, it would have happened eventually. But I still don't want it.

I just want to go home right now. I don't want to be at work.

Put Your Foot In Your Mouth

So... I had my first "foot in mouth" encounter last night.

I almost felt bad for him, but I didn't at the same time because it was just too funny.

Someone says to this man, "Oh have you met Marlee?" and he replies "yeah we've met at church." ... it was dark so we had already started shaking hands then realized that yes we had in fact already met before.

So he sits down with everyone, and he looks at me and says "so have you and Dario set a date yet?"

All of a sudden I start laughing and say "weeellll...." and the girl next to me kept going "BAD. BAD. BAD. FOOT IN MOUTH, FOOT IN MOUTH!!!" which then made us all laugh even more.

I can't even deny the fact that I burst out laughing because I just knew how awkward he was going to feel once I dropped the "we broke up" bomb on him.

Once I did he kind of laughs awkwardly and says "I'm so sorry..." then he looks over at everyone else that was there and was like "NO ONE COULD HAVE TOLD ME?!?!"

hahaha ahhh... I was expecting the first time this happened to be really awkward, thankfully it just turned out to be quite hilarious.

A Dream Tells All

I had a dream on Thursday night.

I often dream of tornadoes, and I have one particular dream that is recurring and I've been having that same dream since I was a child.

I haven't had any tornado dreams for awhile and this one was different from the one I usually have. I have dreamt of running away from multiple tornados, and my recurring dream is where I am trying to escape a tornado but it chases me and I hold onto something for dear life as it tries to suck me up. That's usually when I wake up.

I know that "Decoding your dreams" can be really stupid, but sometimes I do it for fun and sometimes they are quite accurate as to what is happening in my every day life.

Thursday's dream was interesting because there was a tornado coming along side the house to rip apart everything in my life, and for some reason I grabbed a stack of blank white paper and started throwing it into the tornado. In doing so it made the tornado stop.

It was a really weird dream, and I'm always fascinated by my tornado dreams so I decided I would look up the "meaning" of the tornado and the paper since those were the key elements in the dream. I had forgot all about it until today and I found what it said to be quite interesting.

This is what it says:

Tornado

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?

To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications.

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.

Paper

To see a blank white paper in your dream, signifies your desire to make a fresh start in your life. You need to express yourself through writing or art. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to work on being more communicative.

To see a stack of papers in your dream, denotes overwhelming responsibilities and stress that you are having to cope with. You are not effectively dealing with the issues at hand.

I am currently on a path where I'm starting my life all over again. Every aspect of my life right now has changed and is continuing to change. It is a "fresh start" in my life right now. I have insane amounts of stress and responsibility in my life right now, as for how I'm dealing with it I don't know about that part.

The symbolization of everything was pretty cool, because it's like by this fresh new start I'm putting an end to the emotional turmoil that was my life before and what is my life now.

I don't know, like I said... it's kind of silly/stupid to even bother with it, but I find it funny how strikingly similar it is with what's been going on the past few weeks.

As Promised...

Come November I will be attending John Casablanca's Institute... as most of you already know if you've been reading this for longer than a week.

I have been following hair trends for years now. I have always screwed around with my own hair, dyed it, cut it, styled it, you name it I've pretty much tried it. I've styled, coloured, and even cut other peoples hair as well. Cutting I don't do often though, I'm still a bit iffy on doing that as I really don't have any training in that department.

I've been asked to style hair for several weddings now, several grad events, as well as just nights out. Most of those things have been done for friends, but I've also done them for people I hardly even know.

Oddly enough, growing up my parents would always tell me "oh you should be a hairdresser, you're such a natural!!" ... and I would tell them "no I don't want to." I enjoyed it then as a hobby basically but never thought that one day I would take it seriously as a career. Instead I said I wanted to be a paediatric neurologist. Yes you heard that correctly. I wanted to be a doctor.

This all came about around grade 9 or 10. Basically I had three careers I could pursue. Doctor, teacher, and a hair stylist. Hairstylist was third on my list and I always said "it might just be something I do just for the hell of it." Again, not thinking that I would one day change my mind.

The weird thing was that hair was still a huge passion of mine, but not career wise. It was still just a hobby, just something I enjoyed and I have always feared that if I used it as my career that it would suck the fun out of it. But it wasn't long before I decided that maybe going to hair school would be a good thing to do as a back up plan and to help pay for the rest of my aspirations. I figured if I sucked horribly and didn't end up in med school, then I'd become a teacher. So I enrolled at JCI but had to wait a year. In that year I started working at the mill and as the time drew closer to head off to hair school I backed out. I decided I wasn't ready to move and couldn't afford to live in Vancouver yet so I would wait, work more and save up.

That all changed because I then moved out of my parents house, partied like no other, maxed out a visa, and bought a 30 thousand dollar car.

Eventually I met Dario, and I decided I was going to up and move to Vancouver but just to work. At this point my career choice had no moved to welding, and so I searched for a job at a place that I could possibly apprentice through. I ended up lucking out, finding a job at a steel fab shop and within 6 months I was offered a 4 year steel fab apprenticeship. I completed two years and, as most of you already know, I no longer work at the shop. I have quit that in order to better my health and have yet again enrolled into my hair program.

What most people don't know is that a few months ago there came a point in mine and Dario's relationship where me dropping out was becoming an option. I was a couple grand in debt and Dario made mention that the only way I was going to be able to pay off my visa and help with the wedding, would be to not go to school.

I ACTUALLY considered it and after calming down a bit and some better judgement, said that I wouldn't drop out yet again. I was not going to pay them 3000 dollars over the course of 3 years, just to NOT go.

So that leads me to where I am now. Working in an office, going to school on weekends from November until April, and then I will be making the switch to start my hairdressing full time.

In preparation for my course I heard of last nights hair show, got ahold of Danielle and Alicia, and planned for us to check it out. It was a great chance for me to get an idea of what I will be experiencing come April of next year, but also just something fun to do with the girls.

So here are some pictures from last nights show.

This guy was flaming gay but I loved him, pit stains and all! He did an awesome job with the cuts and colours, won an award for being the top achiever of this class, and put on a very entertaining little skit for the show.

The graduates had to demonstrate 4 basic styles. Surprisingly in hair dressing there's a few basic fundamentals and the rest is just combinations between those. They had to have a long layers model, a soft edge/hard edge cut (typically it's a bob) and a vertical cut (typically a mans hair cut.)

They demonstrated colour techniques, razor techniques, as well as a few updos.

Overall most of them did a great job, there were a few that were a little slack so I've only posted my favourites. However as much as I loved the gay guy in the purple shirt, going back through the pictures now I'm realizing that in my eyes the top stylist of the night was the girl who styled these next few pictures:

This is her in the red dress below. She did an incredible job. The execution was amazing, it was edgy, high fashion, and very trendy. I loved it because that to me, is what hair is really about. Minimal effort in the clothing, in the skits, and maximum effort in the hair. Her hard edge bob was incredible. The blunt bob with the blunt bangs gets me every time. So do finger waves, it just screams high fashion. Overall she was incredible, I think she topped it for sure.

This was one of the other stylists, she did a pretty good job as well but my pictures of her girls sucked so I'm not bothering putting them up there... however HER hair was AMAZING and I wish I had it. I took a picture because I think Danielle should do this with her hair.

It was such a great experience and already I'm thinking of ideas of what I'm going to do for my own graduation show next year. There's so many amazing things you could do.

One of my goals for school is to graduate the top of my class. It would be huge to do that because it's what differentiates you between the others when it comes to finding a good job. I think what I enjoyed most about the show was the fact that I'm really starting to see the potential I have for this industry.

These are some of the updo's I've done over the last few years. I can't wait until I can actually get into the colour and cutting portion, that'll be the exciting stuff for me. Colour especially!

Tired Posts Are Always Random

I'm posting just to tell you that I will be posting later about what I REALLY wanted to post about. Oh the irony.

No but seriously, I really want to talk about the hair show that Alicia, Danielle, and I went to last night. It wasn't fabulous or anything, but it excites me in ways that only hair can excite me. However I have pictures for that so I will do a post late tonight if I'm not too tired, otherwise it'll have to wait till next week.

Also, for the record... so effin' tired today. Went to bed way too late (1am) ... wasn't tired at all, couldn't fall asleep till around 2am... then I woke up every hour until 8am when I dragged my sorry ass out of bed.

Feeling a bit like death today, but I was complimented first thing this morning by my boss. She told me I looked good today. It's all because I'm wearing a skirt for once. I never dress up anymore at work. I've worn jeans for at least 3 weeks, I've maybe had a casual looking pair of dress pants in there twice.

When I say "casual looking dress pants" what I really mean is "something a 15 year old emo bitch would wear" ... They're made by Fox and have the Fox logo on the inside of the leg. Why I still have them is beyond me. I guess they're not horrible, but like, come on, really? Fox logo on the inside of the leg? Gay.

It's hard putting effort into an outfit though, mainly because I hate putting the effort into my laundry. If I would just put my laundry away instead of washing it then leaving it in a fuckin basket till it gets rewashed for no reason... then I would PROBABLY wear something that looked a little better. I really need to iron and put stuff away, then I'd be set for at least two weeks before having to repeat the cycle.

My cousin will be here either realllllly crazy late tomorrow night (which I guess would make it reallly crazy early saturday morning), or Saturday afternoon sometime. I haven't seen her in two frickin years. Like literally have not seen her since before I moved to Vancouver... so MORE than two years.

Tomorrow = night at Gossip-take two since I was busy getting dumped for take one and ended up bailing last minute. and then Saturday ze cousin will arrive for I'm not even sure how long yet. I told her not to be alarmed if she showed up at 1 in the morning and I was drunk. She's gotta drive all the way from Calgary, yugh. I think it's like, at least a 12 hour drive. That would suuuuck to do.

I've been one busy cat this week, only having one night at home by myself. I'm enjoying the nights by myself now too since it's nice to take it easy and relax. Also, going out and doing shit all the time with people makes you wanna have a night every now and again where you just veg and watch endless amounts of TV while stuffing your face.

I would like to note that in two weeks I have not gained or lost any weight. Good sign for me. I'm glad I'm not fluctuating. Normally I'd have lost at least 5-10lbs by now so I'm glad I'm just keeping the fat at bay so to speak. Although I am due for a friggen weight loss, but I guess I'll just have to put the effort into that if I wanna get skinny. Basically, that'll never happen cause I don't do "exercise."

My favourite bra has officially sprouted a hole so now the under-wire is stabbing me in the side of my boob. I keep forgetting about it and then put it on and end up losing my shit for the rest of the day.

I need to find a birthday card for my dad, because I'm too lazy to make one. Not so much lazy just don't have the time to sit and make one. On top of that I really don't want to have to go through scrap booking shit yet because that means I have to go through the wedding invitation stuff which is still sitting in a container under the coffee table collecting dust.

I now have 300 envelopes and 150 pieces of the same green paper in the same size... Guess what you bastards are getting for Christmas this year? Yeah that's right, Bitter-Betty-Christmas-Cards. And unlike last year I will only be making one card layout and everyone gets the same fuckin one! Last years took way too much effort, and I have a job now and I'll be in school, so that won't be happening this time around!

Thankfully I don't have a lot of things that I have to go through.

Oh but, ps, next person who gets married that needs t-lights and clear glass t-light holders, let me know. I've got a shitload. I also have 30 of the same vases for centerpieces, so again, if anyone knows anyone getting married that needs stuff for centerpieces... you know where to find me.

Almost lunch time bitches.

I Kinda Lost My Head

I analyze myself when I probably shouldn't.

There is a heaviness in my life right now and it's never lifted. Every day it's there when I wake up, and it's still there when I go to sleep at night. I've learned to live with it for the time being, but God I hope it fucks off soon.

I've been questioning whether I'm handling this too well or not well enough. I am finding that I haven't reacted to this as I expected I would, and because I haven't been as upset as I thought I would, that maybe I'm still in the whole denial phase or something.

I expected days/nights of unstoppable sobbing, days of no eating, countless nights without sleep; instead, I've ended up doing basically the opposite. I am asked how I am doing and I reply "I'm okay" or "not bad" and sometimes I'm even "good." I'm not eating much less than I normally would, and I sleep solidly almost every night. I haven't really cried for a few days now. Nothing longer than a few seconds.

I expected that by now I would have already openly cried in front of my roommate or a friend. Instead, I've done neither. I have had tears come to my eyes, but for the life of me I can't cry in front of others. I feel as though I would let myself down if I did. I understand that crying is healthy, but I just can't cry to anyone else. Sometimes I want to, but it just hasn't happened yet. I'm sure it will happen eventually, which is what makes me wonder "Have I really hit rock bottom yet?"

My answer to that all is "I am dealing with this well because this isn't my first hardship in life, I know this isn't the end of the world, and I know it really does get better with time."

Maybe it's guilt? Guilt that I am not "giving the appropriate amount of sadness" that this probably deserves. But what amount of sadness does this really deserve and how do you know it's the right amount? I don't, so I simply remind myself that there is no reason why I should feel like I HAVE to cry, or that I HAVE to want solitude. The only reason guilt is there is because I'm making myself believe that he expects me to be ruined, and I don't have to worry anymore about what he expects, wants, needs, or anything else for that matter, so I should not feel guilty for one single feeling I have.

I truly believe that because of the life I have had that it works to my advantage in times like these. I have spent a great deal of my life dealing with bullshit that was outside of my control. I've been the girl who grew up with two families instead of one. It's not easy, and it doesn't leave you unscathed either.

Somehow I spent a good portion of my life telling myself I would never do what my parents did. I told myself I would never get married before I was 25, if at all. I told myself that I would never say "yes" to someones proposal unless I was absolutely certain that BOTH of us were ready. I also told myself never to rely on anyone other than me.

Somewhere along the way I forgot about all that. Somewhere along the way I forgot that you can never account for anyone else, not their thoughts, not their feelings, not their actions.

I assumed that by someone asking you to marry them, that it meant they were ready. I didn't consider the fact that often people ask other people to marry them because they feel as though it's "just the next step" or the "right thing to do." I'm not saying that's what happened, because I really don't know what changed for him, but I do suspect that the proposal was done for all of the wrong reasons.

It hasn't even been two weeks and already I can see an immense amount of change in my life; both in the person I am now and in the person I was one day going to be.

Two months ago if you asked where I figured I would be in 5 years I could have easily told you. I would be married, with at least one dog, and pregnant. And now -- in two months all of that has changed.

I have a feeling of relief that my life isn't going to be like that now. I'm not saying that to try and be malicious or vindictive, I am saying that because I really am starting to see that we were headed for disaster.

I was willing to give, to compromise, and to overlook. I was too willing, and he was not willing enough. I would not have been happy living my life that way, and he wouldn't have been either.

So instead I'm left with all of this change, and hopefully the strength to be able to deal with it, and surpass this stage of my life. Only time will tell.

I guess I'll go out with a song seeing as how it's become my thing lately.

When my parents were going through their divorce I would see my dad sitting in the living room, drinking, and listening to the same songs over and over. This is one of the songs he would listen to that has always stood out to me. It has always meant something to me, and given the circumstances now it is only that much more appropriate.

It's called "Hasn't hit me yet" by Blue Rodeo.

Baby Cuteness

My blog is so screwed up right now. I don't really know what I did to it but I'm sort of figuring it out. I had this posted earlier... But it got posted in Html and I don't know shit about posting anything in Html. I am completely computer illiterate! All I know is whatever happened screwed up a bunch of stuff.

Anyways, back to what I originally said. I can't get over what a sweetie little Brook is. <3 I want to send her something cute. I don't know what yet, but something!

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

Motivation Comes In Waves

Oh Fall 09. How I love you.

I don't even know if red's that in, I just want red hair. It's just one of my obsessions. I am always SO jealous of ginger kids. HAH.

It's true though, girls that naturally have red hair I'm like PFFT WHY WOULD YOU EVER DYE IT?! ... Drives me nuts. So insanely jealous of women with natural beautiful red hair.

I did red once, but it was a dark red with black and blonde in it as well. It was interesting. My roots were too light so I didn't like that, but the colour didn't look too bad on me. I kept it for about a week or two then changed it again cause I was weird like that. I went through mad stages where I would change my hair about every 2 weeks. Now it's about every 2 months. Not bad, not bad.

I'm thinking the second picture from the top is the colour I'm going to go for. Not too red, but not brown either. That way when I do get rid of it (cause lets be honest, it won't take long to change it after I do it) then it's a bit easier to get the red tint out.

Oh so excited! I have to wait though for probs another two months. I'll do it mid September since I JUST had my hair done. Then I'll be all prepped and ready to go to school... haha get it, ready? Red-dy... no pun intended. bahaha. I'm lame.

Hair show on Wednesday with Danielle and Alicia. Massively looking forward to that. It's the graduates from JCI's final hair show so I'll be getting a glimpse of what April 2010 is going to look like for me!

It's so exciting to think that April 26th of next year I will be all graduated up from my hair program. That's really not that far away at all. 3 months until I start the program. It's going to go by quickly I'm sure. I won't have any weekends for 6 months but I am more than willing to sacrifice. It's about time I did this and there's no backing out. I registered once at this same school like 3 nearly 4 years ago... I didn't think I could afford to move to vancouver and didn't think I could get the loans (didn't even go to check to see for sure) ... so I dropped out. Paid another 1000 dollars or so JUST to drop out. So in the end I spent 1500 bucks minimum just to NOT go. Not going to happen this time around.

I picked myself up a new dress the other day. I've been eyeing it up for a few weeks, and I finally decided it was time to fuckin get it. It was a wicked deal and uber cute. I don't have any cutesy dresses that I can wear out to events and stuff so I figured I was due. It's time I start collecting these small items so that when I get to school I can start dressing the part.

It sounds weird but when you're in any area of fashion you have to try to be up to date with everything else in fashion as well. So while my hair might look phenomenal, if I look like raggidy anne, no one's going to want me to cut their hair.

For me, when I walk into a salon I definitely base things first on "first impressions." It's judgemental, I fully admit that. I'm okay with being that asshole. And I know that when I get into this business that I'm going to be dealing with the same assholes. Therefor I need a style that is both professional, but "fresh" so to speak. I want to appeal to more than one key demographic.

It's going to be a very fun year while I get into this whole thing. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for it!

This is one change I am definitely ready to embrace. I've been holding off for years and finally I'm going for it.

Last night I hung out with miss Tania and she made me the most amazing vegetarian burrito's ever. Seriously so good, and I'm not big on vegetarianism, I like my meat. After that we bullshit for like 4 hours and we started talking about this book "Eat, Pray, Love." ... She asked me if I had read it and I started reading it at my moms place on one of my last visits, but I stupidly left the book there when I came back to Vancouver so I never finished it. Tania had it so she leant it to me, so I'm going to spend some time reading that as well. Can't wait cause it definitely started off good.

Now it's time to get dressed (yes I have been having a very LAZY Sunday morning/early afternoon) and get to the store to pick up some food. I'm going to make something for lunches for the next week and I'm going to bake some puffed wheat squares since I bought stuff for that last week.

Lungs Filled With Butterflies

The angry phase has hit.

I drove around for an hour in my car with a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel and all I wanted to do was scream. So I did.

I don't know what I'm angry about exactly, I guess the question that keeps popping into my head is "why?"

My chest hurts... really it's just the tension of all my fucking arteries constricting because of the immense amounts of stress I'm feeling. I have butterflies in my fucking lungs and I want to rip them out.

I did okay yesterday, I didn't cry once. I'm paying for it today.

I guess I'm angry because all he has to do is remove me from his life and that's the only element of change he will have to deal with. Everything else stays the same for him, his friends, his family, his life.

I lose everything. Everything. Even the things that I don't lose, they're still changing. There's circumstances there now that never used to be there. I can't see people when I want it has to be when they want and when Dario won't be around.

It's all different now.

I'm just mad at the changes. I've never been one to adjust well to abrupt changes, and I know I'm sensitive so it doesn't help.

How do you not be angry when something you wanted so bad to work out, doesn't? How do you not be angry when someone you love more than anything, decides that they don't love you anymore? How can you not be angry when by no choice of your own your entire life has to change in drastic measures?

Someone tell me how? Because I can't quite figure it out.

I just want to stop feeling. I just really really don't want to feel today. I want to go back to work. Anything is better than being alone with me right now.

Brooklyn T

Miss Brooklyn Delainey Trottier... 7lbs 11oz, 21 inches long. Born on August 5th <3

What a little sweetheart. I can't wait to meet the newest member of the family! October couldn't come fast enough!

I want to find something cute for her. I don't know what yet, but something!

Looking At The Good

Things I have accomplished this week instead of staying in bed feeling sorry for myself:

I have gotten dressed and gone to work 3 days in a row.

I have cut my nails, picked up a guitar and started learning a few of my favourite songs.

I have only cried myself to sleep twice since last Friday.

I went grocery shopping.

I made dinner two nights in a row.

I did all of the dishes from those dinners.

I have laughed at least once every day.

I have been able to bring myself to look at others' wedding photos without jealousy and without getting upset.

I have been genuinely happy for my cousin who just had a baby girl.

I've been genuinely happy for my brother who just bought a house.

I have gone to bed before midnight every night this week and slept for at least 7 hours without waking up at all in that time.

I have only puked once since Friday.

I have eaten small amounts each day, not all of it is healthy but I did eat a salad yesterday.

I can see all of the good and bad from the relationship but have chosen to strictly focus on the GOOD things.

While most of those things are just a part of every day life, when you're this empty it is hard to do want to do those every day things at all. I am trying my best to acknowledge that at least I am continuing on with my every day life the best I can. It's not perfect but I think it's a good start.

I am still screwed up as to what day it is... I partially blame the long weekend and missing work on Tuesday for that but it's also because my mind is obviously all over the place.

One day at a time. This will get easier.

Today's music: Taylor Swift - Breathe

"And I can't breathe without you, but I have to."