I Guess It's Sinking In

This is my 301st post. Does that even make sense? 301st? ... it sounds weird.

Anyways...

I woke up feeling like the worlds biggest piece of shit on Saturday. I didn't even get out of my bed till almost 3 in the afternoon, didn't eat or drink anything until 4:30, and didn't shower till about 7:30. The only times I would get up was to either throw up, or take a piss. Not fun at all.

I had an alright time the night before, but I won't be doing that shit very often. It's just not my idea of a good night. I mean it's not that I hated every second of it or anything, I met people, I made conversation, I danced, I had a decent time... but I'd just rather be at a pub or at home. I hate that if you go to a club you're a lot more likely to be hit on since most people in those places are just there looking to get laid. I'm not even close to being ready to deal with that sort of thing yet, and I'm not going to be for quite some time, so I think I'm going to be opting to sit out those events from now on until I'm in a better place emotionally and mentally.

I like the relaxed environment a lot more, with easy going friends whose goals aren't to get completely wasted as fast as they can. It's going to be difficult making friends, it's hard to come by good people that you have things in common with. It's just as hard to do as trying to find someone to date, if not harder.

I don't know... I'm managing to get through okay for now. I'm still not happy. I'm having all sorts of crazy dreams again which always happens when I'm stressed or upset. Last night I had a dream that I was at Dario's house for some reason, but it didn't look like his house. There were a bunch of wild cats on the deck, a huge tiger and a female lion... I think a cougar as well. The tiger attacked me by jumping over the baby gate (as if that's going to keep out a tiger) ... and then I ran outside and Dario came home and started yelling at me. It just sucked.

I don't know, I'm glad he's happy I guess. That makes one of us. I'll get there one day, it just won't be as fast as he seems to have gotten there. It's hard sitting back knowing someone you care so deeply for appears to be doing just fine without you.

I think once my cousin leaves I'm going to take a break from things and just spend some time alone. I haven't been spending very much time by myself and I need a break from the busy schedule to just sit and reflect on things. I think it's all really starting to sink in and I need to let it.

I hate seeing what he's up to, or hearing about what he's up to. I hate it because it's not with me, and I wish it was.

Yep, I've said it.

I really miss him. I miss him every day. I say I'm okay even when I'm not. It's as though if I say it out loud or write it down that it makes it true. I need that constant reassurance even if it is just coming from myself. Truth is though at the end of every day, even if I don't cry it's all I think about. I eat, sleep, and breathe it. Part of me feels like I would feel better if I knew he missed me a little too, but the fact is... I don't think he does.

People expect me to be angry with him for what he did or how he's going about this, and believe me, some days I am. But I still don't hate him, I still miss him, and I still love him.

I know that this is what needed to happen, it would have happened eventually. But I still don't want it.

I just want to go home right now. I don't want to be at work.