I can't really express to anyone how I'm really feeling on days like today, at least not anyone outside of my family, and we all know how far away they are. I'm still having trouble really talking to people, and what I say on here is pretty limited.
I'm slowly putting things away I've noticed. I've slowly started the "I don't want to see that anymore" thing... Pictures are finding their ways into drawers to be lost until the next time I go to look for something and accidentally come across them. I'm catching myself talking in present tense at times and then it makes it awkward because I have to go back and correct myself to use past tense. I find myself having this increasing urge to want to get away, but with an even bigger urge to want to stay. None of it's easy.
I found myself wondering tonight how long it will be before he stops being a part of my every day thoughts or conversations. I dated Andy for 6 months (lets not count 2 of them because they were a waste of my time,) yet somehow I still find myself thinking about him at least every few weeks. It's been 3 years since Andy and I broke up. If someone can impact that many years of your life after only being a part of it for a few short months, how does someone like Dario compare?
In due time. It's all in due time.
The curiosity kills you. You find yourself wondering how they're doing, wondering if they're okay or if they have shitty nights as well. You wonder if he thinks of you as much as you think of him. Cutting the ties is a hard thing. You spend all this time together, you talk every day, see eachother every other day... then nothing at all. It's a hard thing not knowing. It's always the not knowing that does people in. Not knowing when you'll be ready to really let it all go.
I find for myself that there usually comes a day where I just feel that I'm ready to let it all go. It's like I wake up and I feel it, I just feel that I'm done with it and I am content. For any "loss/breakup" situation I've always done that. There has always come a day for me where I just feel at peace with everything and am ready to let it be and move on. Sometimes that process takes a few months, sometimes it takes years. I feel like this will be set foot on the longer time frame. It's all a process of finding myself and asking myself "what do you want Marlee?" It's a process that takes a long time to figure out.
All I want right now is peace, acceptance, patience, and strength.
Monday, August 24, 2009
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2 comments:
You know it's funny, everyone that becomes part of your life stays with you somehow even if they aren't directly in it anymore. I still think about your dad, fairly regularly actually. He is part of who I am somehow. It's like people become stamped on your heart. It will become less painful though. You will become more of an observer and you will see how you have changed and became a better person because of them, and they will do the same.
thats great stuff Stacey....so true.
jas
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