You can take the girl out of the Fort but not the Fort out of the girl

I should technically do an official New Years Post. How I felt about 2009 and what I want out of 2010 yadda yadda.

Danielle has said it already, pretty much everything that could go wrong did and there's no point in compiling a list for that. It would seem endless if I did. There were good things that happened too but overall it was a shitty and long year... yet at the same time it flew by? It's strange really.

The end of the year though turned out to be really great. I've been under more stress than ever before but it's actually been good. Hard to explain because some days I feel like ripping my hair out and screaming at someone (seriously anyone would do) and then round-housing them in the face, but for the most part I'm quite enjoying the way my life has been going.

I've still had more than enough time to think about things that I want. My latest thoughts have lead me out of Vancouver. AKA In a few years I don't think I'm going to be living here anymore. I'm finding that the more I'm here alone, the less I feel like I belong here. If that makes any sense? It's not that I'm alone, I should say single, because I do have great friends who I would miss dearly if I left, but I also have great friends in other places and it just seems to me that no matter where I go I'm going to meet good people. So really it's about what I want out of life at this point.

With everything that's been happening around me I seem to be appreciating my time and the things I do with it a lot more and this is leading me to a completely different territory.

This is my first weekend off in a couple months where I've been at home and done absolutely nothing. It felt great but at the same time I was extremely restless. It possibly has to do with the fact that I'm fucking stressed out to the tits but for some reason all I wanted was to be outside on a horse and being able to disappear in the bush somewhere for a few hours. Something I just can't do here.

It has and always will frustrate me that it takes hours to get anywhere to do the things that I would love to be able to do at a whim. It also frustrates me that if I choose to stay living in Vancouver I would never be able to have my own house with a nice yard. On top of that it frustrates me that even if I do spend hours to get to where I want to be just to do the things I want to do that those places will be congested with people and I have to share that space with others.

Again, my needing and wanting to just be alone is probably due to the fact that I'm worn out and need to retreat a bit. Staying at home is boring and irritates me because I still want to be doing something but I want to do something that calms me. Sitting around watching movies all day doesn't calm me I've discovered. However horseback riding would be extremely soothing right now. I also really want to go paragliding so that is something I'm going to do this summer. It's I think 200 bucks to do a tandem flight but it would be so worth it. I'm too much of a pussy to go skydiving. The initial jump out of the plane is something I just couldn't get the guts to do, but to run off a cliff, no big deal. I'll probably wear a diaper or something just incase though!

I spent most of my day yesterday looking at properties and houses in Prince George. I always said I'd never live there but I'm starting to wonder what I'm going to end up doing. I have even contemplated Edmonton so I could still have that "city" feel but without the major city costs that Vancouver has. I've spent hours now looking at different places in the province and I'm finding myself drooling over property and cozy houses.

Vancouver has a lot to offer but it doesn't if you're not making money. I couldn't open my own business here if I ever wanted to because the competition is just too high and the expense of it is unfathomable. However if I want a salon career then my choices are great. If I want to go big with it and do runway shit then it is also great. The shopping is awesome and the choices of places to eat are never short in supply. The city is beautiful with a view that not many places have to offer.

That being said, Vancouver only supports one aspect of my life. My career. It doesn't offer me the space I want, or the opportunity to do those outdoorsy things that I love so much without paying an arm and a leg for them.

I guess that's all it comes down to. I want space, I want quiet. I want water and grass. I want guns, boats, snowmobiles and quads. I want a place where I can have kids run around outside without worrying a car might run them over (and instead only worry about whether or not a bear will eat them.) I would actually like to have a couple of horses even though I know they are a ton of work.

So unless I win the lottery I won't be able to have any of those things in the lower mainland. I guess I'll see where I end up. I'll be here for a few years yet, then after that I'll take off to the UK/Europe for a year. Then I'll see where I end up.

I have nothing that ties me down anymore so the choice is mine. Maybe I'll just be a drifter, that could be fun! hahaha

As for 2010... if I've learned anything from 2009 it's that anything can happen. No expectations for me this year. I never would have expected in a million years for some of the shit that happened last year to happen so I am just going with the flow this year. Whatever will be, will be. I'm going to have fun this year, do the things I say I want to do instead of making excuses. I will also be working a lot harder towards getting my school debt paid off and then who knows what comes next.

It's going to be great.

Oh and I'm going to get a tattoo at some point this year. Good stuff.