It's All Just The Aftermath

"Are we still going for cure?" There wasn't a "yes" or "no" answer. There was a silence that was followed by, "We think it's time you start getting your affairs in order."

This does not mean he will die tomorrow, or in the next few months, it may very well be a couple years from now. Unfortunately at the rate his cancer has progressed already it is all completely unpredictable; especially with the rarity of his disease. It will take a miracle.

It's coming time where he has told me he is trying to come to terms with facing death. The hardest part is seeing it and being a part of it. I have done so well with not breaking down since he was diagnosed. When I found that out I cried for days. When I slowly started to find out more it actually seemed very hopeful. Even the doctors were hopeful. Unfortunately the more tests were done the more they started finding the disease riddling his body. Since then I have just lost it. I feel so selfish and I try so hard not to let him see me like this because I know that the hardest part for him is seeing all of his loved ones hurt and knowing that he can't stop it.



It has taken away his life already. He is not allowed to work, although lately he has been pushing himself to anyways because he is so frustrated with feeling weak. He cannot have children even if he were to be cured. It has torn a hole through his family and the worry will always be there, remission or not. It has destroyed him and I want to rip every piece of cancer out of his body and kill it. I want to save him yet I can't do a single thing except sit back and be as supportive and loving as possible.

[The dark enraptured me on the cold crisp night,
Slicing through the black were the lonely headlights,
Focusing on the road that guided me to my destination,
With thoughts of sorrow, hatred, moral deprivation.
With my past haunting me and the future unsure
I thought selfish thoughts, well now "where is the cure?"
My stomach knotted the more I would think,
And it got worse, my spirit started to sink.
I pushed out a deep breath of despair,
Fuck man, in who's world is this fair?] ...

It's an excerpt of something he wrote. The words are haunting. "Fuck man, in who's world is this fair?" - It isn't in anyones.

I came home on the 27th in the morning to find my dad on the front step holding a stuffed dinosaur with a note attached - my name was written on the note. My heart sunk because I knew who it was from.


A childhood toy. A dinosaur named spike, a set of three - Spike was the favourite. Jon teased me once and said "I promise when I go I will leave you something shiny." I responded with "I don't need something shiny, and I don't care what you leave me with if something happens, so long as it was something that meant something to you."

This dinosaur was made by Jons mom one Christmas when she was in the hospital. She had to have surgery and unfortunately couldn't spend Christmas at home with her family. She sewed three dinosaurs for Jon, all based off of the Land Before Time characters. He grew extremely attached to this one and slept with it every night until he was 12 or so.

At 3 in the morning he was haunted by another sleepless night and decided to drive to Fort and leave this dinosaur for me on my doorstep for me to find. I took the note off, read the message, and stood there in complete silence touching the weathered dinosaur. I went upstairs and sat down, my stepmom asked about it. I showed her the note and then I sat there and just broke. Every piece of strength I had in me was non existent. I've held it together for so long, put up with all of the bullshit people have had to say. I've tried to put on the tough front and have been realistic about things from day one, but I am never going to accept that this is killing him. I can never come to terms with the fact that I am losing a best friend and there's nothing I can do to save him. Everything in me just wants to save him.

I sat there for an hour crying holding this stuffed animal and I've barely let it out of my sight since. I've slept with it every night and I hold it every time him and I talk - which is at least an hour or two every day - and every time I am upset.

My dad and stepmom really wanted to meet him and asked me if I would invite him over that night for dinner and to play some games. I really wanted to so I texted him to see if he was game for that. He had promised his dad he would go to church with him but asked if it would be too late if he came over after that (around 4:30pm he would get to my place.) It's never too late. So right on time he knocked on the door and spent an entire evening with my family. We went to my moms for a short visit so I could say goodbye to her then went back into town to my dads. We played Mario Brothers for Wii and Jon and I were sooo awful at it. We just laughed at eachother the whole time and kept tossing the controllers back and forth to my brother Kyler so he could get us out of the levels. Kyler was in so much pain watching us play.

After that we watched National Lampoons Christmas Vacation because Jon had never seen it. It is a family tradition that we watch it every year at Christmas and I wanted to share that with him. After that extreme home makeover came on. I have no idea why this family was chosen to have a house built for them since we turned it on just as they were revealing the house to the family. Jon made the joke "I have cancer they should build a house for me!" and my brother and I laughed. Jon devised a plan that if we all combined hardships that maybe we could swing a free house out of the deal. Sounded pretty solid to me.


Jon and I sat side by side the whole movie, I was curled into his arms. I don't know how to explain the situation but it's like I can't be close enough to him. I just want to be touching him the whole time. He feels it too though, and he never wants to let me go either. I was still as close as I could be to him when we were watching this tv show and then the mom on the show said something. I honestly can't even remember what it was she said but it was something really sad... Jon (whos hand was already in mine) squeezed my hand so tight and then looked at me with tears in his eyes. The fear that I could see in him, it was the most awful thing I've ever seen. I swear I could feel my chest pull so tightly and I completely lost my breath.

Shortly after that my family had gone to bed except for my brother, so Jon and I went upstairs to talk. We talked for about 20 minutes and then we both broke down. I never wanted him to see me upset because I know how much it hurts him to see that, but there was just no stopping it. We just sat there in a death grip hug and cried.

I can't even begin to comprehend what he is going through. He has the option of going through chemo again but the doctors said it will probably only put things on hold for maybe a month at best, if at all. They say eventually you just get to a point where treatment isn't worth it anymore. With how horrible chemo is he would go through months of that and it would make him feel ten times worse than if he doesn't go through with it, and all for "maybe" a month? I don't know. I don't know what he will do yet.

I just keep praying something will change.

So this New Year that is about to begin is turning into the aftermath of 2009. I do have many goals for this year, but the biggest one that means the most to me is to organize this cancer fundraiser to start doing my part in finding a cure. Call me stupid, call me whatever - It means something to me.

So here's to all of you bringing in the new year. I wish all of you a healthy and happy new year filled with life. I know I personally will be focusing more on the things that really matter this year, and less on the things that don't. I still believe 2010 is going to be a great year.

Be safe everyone.
Damien Rice - Grey Room