If you value your time, don't bother wasting it reading this post

I am so fucking bitchy tonight I can't even handle it.

I hate being in these pissy moods but when I'm stressed out about anything it just seems to be an instant reaction with my body. I'm frustrated with everything. This house. Jobs. School. Money. All of it.

I have to get up at 6am tomorrow to go to class for an hour. A waste of time but we still have to show up. I figured I'd make use of the rest of the day by getting ahold of my boss, finding out the work situation, and going on a job hunt afterwards.

I have very little confidence that the shop will get the job they bid on. I would be shocked if they did actually. There's so many companies bidding on the same jobs that the competition is insane and it makes it extremely difficult to get any job at all. Meaning lets say goodbye to my decently paying job and say hello to a few minimum wage jobs. I can't stay on EI for much longer because they were already hounding me and will probably continue to do so.

I was talking to someone from Fort and they asked why I might need to go look for a job and I explained the situation of work being slow etc. They gave this smart ass response that was meant as a joke but struck the wrong chord in me... "oh well the mill is starting up again in March, you'll be back!"

It pretty much brought back all of those feelings where EVERYONE I used to work with would always say "you'll be back, no one ever moves away from here and does well in a city. It's too expensive. You'll be back!"

I don't think there's anything that fuels me more than those words. I will work as many jobs as I have to to pay my bills and live. It doesn't matter what it would take, I would do it just to know that I could prove wrong every single person who ever doubted me.

I'm going to have so much trouble sleeping tonight I can already feel it. I'm all wound up and upset and my anxiety is going through the roof. I can slowly feel my chest getting tighter and tighter. I hate that feeling more than anything. When you are so stressed out that it physically fucks your body up, I just can't handle it.

I'm in one of those moods where I want to spend hours crying, but I can't because I know that it's not good for me to do that because I have no time to feel sorry for myself. So instead I'm listening to "John Mayer-slow dancing in a burning room" on repeat because the blues-like guitar mellows me out just a little bit. Hopefully the more I listen to it the calmer I will be.

I donno. I should go put a movie on and lay down with the lights off so I can avoid Krystal when she gets home. I don't mean that in any rude way just to clarify, I just simply don't want to engage in any sort of conversation with anyone.

Sorry for those of you who just wasted 5 minutes of your life reading this whole rant, but I have to get it out or I'm going to go insane.