You'll get used to it...

Someone told me the other night that he has a hard time understanding/getting used to the fact that my parents are divorced and what not and I need to write about it I think because for some reason it's really been eating away at me.

He said I can talk about it as if its a normal thing and that I'm used to it, but to him it's very different and abnormal. A part of me was a little bit hurt by it, even though he was just stating how he felt and thats perfectly fine, but only for the reason that just because I grew up with it and it's how my life has always been, doesn't mean that I am ever used to it. To this day, I still remember the exact words I said when my dad told me "your mom doesn't want to be with me anymore" and I still remember his exact face, I still remember that being only one of the two times I've ever seen my dad cry in my entire life. I still remember exactly what my mom was doing at that time, I still remember how angry I was at her and how loud I screamed at her. I still remember her bathwater running. I can still hear it all in my head, I can still see it all, and I can still to this day feel how hurt I was.

Try telling a 6 year old that she will get used to her mom telling her that her dad isn't going to be home to tuck her into bed for awhile. Or try telling her that she'll get used to only remembering maybe a max of 10-15 visits she had with her mom for 2 years afterwards. Try telling her that she'll get used to hearing her parents scream at each other so loudly that even when they're yelling on the phone you can hear every word crystal clear in the next room. Try telling her that she'll get used to having a stepmom. Try telling her that when she gets her first period it will be her stepmom who knows first, not her mom. Try telling her that she'll get used to hurting and being angry for years upon years. And tell her that she'll get used to coming home crying to her dad because her mom hurt her once again.

Even though 15 years of my life have been spent with one parent and a step parent, doesn't mean I'm used to it. I'm still not used to hearing my parents fight, I'm still not used to arguments with my step-parents. I still hate that I have to do everything separate, two christmas', two graduations, two birthdays. I hate having arguments over which house we're staying at for christmas dinner and who gets us for thanksgiving. I hate even thinking about how the hell I'm going to deal with it all when I get married because I'm worried my family won't even be able to be civil then. People think as you get older it gets easier, but it doesn't. There is no getting used to anything.

So ask me, ideally, would I change any of it? Absolutely. In an ideal world my parents would be happily married. Because even at almost 21 I sometimes wish things would have been different. But ask me... realistically, would I change any of it? Absolutely not. Why? Because I learned way more this way than I feel I would have the other way, and I'm a better, stronger person because of it. And you know what, some of my favourite childhood memories still include coming home to my dad drunk and having him pick me up to dance with him and puking over my shoulder and all over the floor only to continue dancing. Every girl remembers her first dance, that happened to be mine, and I'd never change it. Because through all the bullshit, all my dads drinking and all my moms crap, my dad still made the right choices at the right time and did the absolute best he could for us. And whether anyone else judges him upon the things he's done is their choice, but I know him at his best, and I know him at his worst, and even at his worst, he still loved me.

I apologize for this all being so negative and crappy, but I guess it just needed to come out.

This picture is one of my favourite 'baby' pictures. It was the last Christmas we spent together before my parents divorced.