Everything Has Changed

Jon spent last weekend here before leaving for his three week trip to Europe.

It was another great weekend even though we had a crappy last day together. I still feel awful for that. My emotions sometimes wear thin and he had a bad day, and I had a bad day, and then when they combined it made for a really really shitty day.

I don't even know where I want to start. I want to write about the weekend but sometimes I like keeping certain things to myself because they're my own little special memories that are almost like secrets.

I will share something really cool and quite personal though and something I haven't brought up for quite some time now (which pleases me greatly.)

Ever since my ex and I broke up I've invested myself more into music than ever before. It is something that is extremely therapeutic for me, as it is for many. What's really been my saving grace though is playing guitar again.

After we broke up I came home and didn't really know what to do. I was on msn of all things and I talked to my friend Mark. He told me to come over and we'd go for a walk so I did. He opened the door and gave me a huge hug to which my immediate reaction was to cry. We went for a walk and talked about things and then went back to his house. He let me borrow his acoustic so that I had something to distract me and keep me busy. I wasn't sure how much I would play but I quickly latched onto it and played relentlessly. I don't even know where to begin to thank him for that because I'm not sure he even knows just how much it helped me.

I play as much now as I did when I got my first guitar and the feeling is amazing. It has been one thing that has honestly helped heal me because I can just get lost in it. I put all of my focus and attention on learning something or playing something and truly feeling it. Every ounce of my emotion goes into it and it puts me in a state of mind that is more comforting than almost anything.

I held onto Marks guitar for an entire 6 months. I just gave it back to him on Thursday. I had been meaning to give it back to him for the last two months but our schedules never really worked out.

Jon loves it when I play. I'm not even that good at it but it's a strange feeling when you play music and someone closes their eyes just to listen. It's amazing, really.

I had told him I would be giving Mark his guitar back after the weekend and would have to buy one when I could afford it. I figured it would be a month or two before I'd be able to find something on craigslist that was decent and affordable.

Little did I know that I would return home the next day. Jon handed me a business card for Tom Lee Music, and on the back of that card was written "I love you. Check out under your bed."

My first reaction was "fuck off," of course because I'm vulgar and don't know what to say when people do nice things for me.

I pulled out a box that had writing all over it. I sat there and read each little message still in complete shock.















I cried as I read each thing. It was something so cool I can't even explain. This meant more than any piece of jewellry, any other gift really. Music is my heart and since I have always lived through it, to give me something that is so incredibly important to me in my life is something truly amazing. To add to the fact the situation at hand combined with an incredible bond between him and I, it was overwhelming.

I opened the box to a guitar that had never been played by anyone else. It was horribly out of tune but Jon was adamant that the guy who sold it to him didn't touch it. He wanted me to be the first to play it and so I was.



I was supposed to study for a test I had but instead I sat there, tuned the guitar and played until dinner. It sounds beautiful and I love everything about it. The neck is a little more narrow so it fits my hand and fingers perfectly. The body is also a little thinner/smaller which again, fits me perfectly. It couldn't have been a more perfect fit.

It was definitely a remarkable gift that I am very thankful for.

I should probably get some sleep now that the coffee I had earlier is wearing off and sleepiness is setting in. Took long enough.

Today was a bad day for the most part. School actually makes me feel better but the rest of the day was definitely crap. Although something really cool did happen today but I can't blog about that yet. Soon enough.

This song is a beautifully sad song. William Fitzsimmons and Priscilla Ahn - I don't feel it anymore. You have to listen to it. I love everything by him though, he is amazing.