I Smile Like I Used To When You Were Around

I decided that I would go back 3 months and read some of my posts.

I wanted to see any progress I may have made these last couple of months, but also to read back to what I was feeling then.

I have ignored these posts for numerous reasons. The most obvious of those reasons is that I wasn't ready to re-live those feelings yet.

Reading some of those old posts and some of the drafts I have saved of posts that were never published is quite the reminder of what's been happening. I realized through my posts that I beat around the bush about how I was truly feeling. I mentioned in one post that I needed a constant positive reminder that everything would be okay, even if it was just coming from myself. That was true, I did need that reminder, but I didn't always believe it.

I wasn't 100% honest about how I felt on here because I knew that anything I said Dario could see. I didn't want him knowing what was really going on in my head. Also, out of respect for him there were some feelings I felt that are best not shared with others as they were not nice.

How I have handled things has been a very strange approach. I never allowed myself time to stop and think. I couldn't face it then and I see that now so my busy life was a direct result in trying to avoid too much alone time. This was something I needed as well because the less time I dwell on things, the less I puke, not eat, not sleep, etc.

My first post back in Vancouver:

I'm home today.

I should be working but I couldn't bring myself to face it today. Tomorrow I will.

I managed to get some groceries though. Now it's time to get myself eating normally.

I miss my family. I wish I could have stayed up there longer. Driving home yesterday sucked.

Vancouver is a pretty empty place when you're here alone.

My second post:

Could someone please just rip the rest of my heart out?

I don't want to feel anymore.

I was in complete shock when this all happened. I hardly blinked that night I was in such a bad state of disbelief. I thought I got through that stage relatively quickly but in reality I've just gotten through it.

This post is the only honest post I was comfortable enough to share. There have been many days like that day, even though none were mentioned. Typically on the bad days I would try to write something nice if I was going to write, if I couldn't get anything nice out then I would avoid publishing anything.

Only this month has the stress of everything really come into play. The first two months since the breakup I basically spent in limbo.

I have not been focused at work at all. I'm extremely forgetful and I have to write every single thing down or I will simply forget to do it. I have always written things down in my agenda so that I never double book things incase I do forget (because lets face it, sometimes that happens) but I'm finding I'm forgetting things now even when they are written down. I've started sending myself emails as reminders.

I haven't been eating properly for the last two months. At first I was eating quite normally, and now I'm eating sometimes only once or twice a day. Then some days I binge eat. I'll have a good week of eating, and then a bad 3 weeks. It's not ideal but unfortunately my eating habits have always been poor so when I factor in a little stress they go right down the shitter. My other problem is that when I do eat I'm not eating as healthy as I should.

I don't sleep properly now. I'm up until at least 1 in the morning. I wake up a lot during the night and I can barely roll out of bed in the morning.

There's just a lot going on between starting school in a couple days, working a monotonous job that I really dislike, Dario being back in town and actually having seen him etc, I suppose it's just adding up.

I have made a great deal of progress. I've had the odd night here and there in the past three months where I lose it a bit. I do have days where I'd just rather not be awake for them. I have days where talking about things with people really gets to me. Sometimes it makes me tear up and sometimes it makes me furious, it all depends on the day. But there have been a lot of good days as well. More good than bad I would say too.

There are still things I will never share on this blog because they are quite personal and there's some things and feelings I want to keep to myself. I realize it's not good to harbour feelings, and I'm not going to, but this is not the place to share those feelings.

I'm finding myself still having angry feelings but I think it's safe to say that I'm starting to move out of that stage as well.

I was invited to the Trevisani Banquet this year which as most people know is an Italian event that I did with Dario, his family, and his friends. There were a few reasons for not going, money being one, I'd be in school all that day being the other... but my biggest reason for not going is I need to have my life separate from his. That was something him and I did when we were together and as a part of my own healing process I feel it's something that I shouldn't do. It's a way for me to start accepting that I am no longer a part of that life and that I'm okay with that.

I am okay with being around him, it's not easy or ideal, but I'm okay with it. I's still hard being around his family because I miss them so incredibly much but that's another thing I just have to deal with.

I feel right now as though if I do these things that I might be denying myself the reality of what things really are now, and I don't want to do that. Him and I have two lives now and I'm still working on embracing mine.

I am proud of how I've dealt with things so far; while some of it may not be ideal it is working for me.