Something I've Wanted To Say For Awhile

It's strange to see how incredibly much things have changed in just a little over a month.

I read Dario's post this morning and it brought me a great sense of relief. Finally I feel it is the right time to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.

One thing neither Dario or I would ever talk much about was God and what He meant to us. The conversation came up a few times but Dario always said he wasn't sure what he believed in. I was never truthfully honest with my beliefs because I feel as though far too many people judge religion, so I like to keep what I believe to myself. I also don't go to church or have a specific religion that I'm even a part of. Another reason why I keep what I believe to myself.

It was interesting to hear Dario say that he had been praying for guidance. I found myself many times laying in bed crying and asking for those very same things. I've never prayed so much in my life as I did the few months before we broke up, but oddly that wasn't the only time I found myself voicing those exact same prayers. Shamefully I can admit that I was praying for those things before we got engaged.

It is clear to me that I had doubts. Dario did as well. Unfortunately it took us both a lot of hardship to be able to see those doubts and accept them for what they really were. When they say love is blind it's sadly cliche but also very true. It's hard to see the bad when all you want to see is the good.

I do not hate Dario, in fact it's the opposite. I am very relieved that he too was praying for the same things; it's nice to know that I wasn't alone. I could never hate him. If there's anything I feel it's gratitude towards him for us finally being able to be released from what had turned into a destructive relationship.

The night before Dario and I broke up, I broke down in a way I've never broken down before. I had about all I could take of things and yet again I laid in my bed crying. It wasn't just a few tears, it was a sobbing mess of sadness, one of those pains so deep inside of you that no matter how hard you cry it doesn't release. One of those pains where the only thing that helps me feel at ease is to talk to God.

"God, this is in your hands now, I will no longer interfere with any plan you may have for us. Whatever you do I will accept, but please, all I ask is that you give me the strength to get through it."

That's what I prayed for that night. I let it all go. I stopped trying to control something that was clearly uncontrollable, and let it go. For the first time ever I was going to leave something so extremely important to me into the hands of someone I claimed to have "faith" in. Faith is to blindly trust the unknowing, and I was going to finally do exactly that.

For months I prayed and asked God to help Dario. I never asked Him to help me. I felt as though it was selfish for me to pray for things for myself, so I would pray for Dario instead. I asked that God would clear his mind and help him be honest with himself and with me.

I spent months asking for all sorts of things. I asked Him to guide us, to help us find an answer, to show us what we mean to each other. I asked Him to focus on Dario and bring Dario to Him. Everything I could pray for, I did.

Still after a few months I felt as though there was nothing happening, and things were seemingly getting worse. I spent some time talking with Dario's priest and amazingly in that one conversation I was reminded "What about Marlee? What does Marlee need? What does Marlee want?"

I wasn't sure what I needed or what I wanted. I know that I was frustrated. I felt as though Dario didn't care about me, wasn't as attracted to me anymore, and was just simply falling out of love with me. All I was left with was a pretty hollow shell of a person, because I forgot who I was.

I went home that day feeling pretty good. Quite strong. This happened to be right before we were supposed to go up to FSJ for my friends wedding. I think that weekend was when I had finally had enough.

Dario and I didn't spend hardly any time together that weekend. In my own town, in my own homes. We weren't kissing each other goodnight, nothing. It was very obvious to me that there was a pretty great divide happening, and it broke my heart.

I returned from the weekend extremely frustrated and angry. So I started to brace myself for what was coming next... because deep down, I knew. I never wanted to admit it, but if I am being honest with myself, I absolutely knew what was coming, and I knew for quite some time. Then for the first time in a long long time, I started praying for me.

Dario left for a week and we didn't talk at all. In that week I found myself at peace. I was hardly at home all week. I was getting to know myself again and reminding myself that I needed to build the existing relationships I have into stronger ones, and also to start creating new relationships.

I did miss Dario while he was gone. Very much so, but when he came back he said he missed me less and less. All I could respond with was, "That's not good, you should miss someone more as time goes on, not less as time goes on. All that means is that you really don't need me."

Those words are very selfish sounding, "You don't need me." I'm embarrassed of even saying that sentence, but at the same time it was all I thought about the entire week after. After a week of self torment I finally had my break down, and I finally left things up to God.

It's clear to me that Dario was doing the same thing, putting things in God's hands. I think when I finally admitted defeat and let go of the control, things finally changed. It's strange to me that the next day we ended up breaking up, but at the same time it's not. I mean deep down I knew, I had been praying for answers, and so had Dario. So really, there is no element of surprise.

By no means was any of it easy, but by no means have I been struggling either. I've made do just fine, and I know Dario is as well. I think both of us are finding ourselves happy. Many people have made comments to me, saying how surprised they are at how well I'm dealing with things. I am too but I know it's because I'm not doing this alone. There's something in me that reminds me every day that this is all for the better, that this will all be okay, and that this is the path we were meant to go down.

I wouldn't change a thing of what's happened. I do feel as though everything happens for a reason, and I think Dario and I will be better, stronger people because of this.

But as I said, I don't hate him for what he did and I hope he doesn't feel guilty for anything. I've never been one to hold a grudge for too long, or hold onto angry feelings for too long. I think he knows that too. Reading what he wrote this morning made me feel at peace with things. I'm very thankful we were finally able to come to this point. I needed this, he needed it, and God wanted it.

I forgive him for everything. No one meant to hurt anyone, he didn't want to hurt me, and I didn't want to hurt him. Those feelings nagged both of us for far too long before we were finally able to admit the truth to ourselves and realize that in order for us to feel happiness we had to feel hurt. I told him I was on my last straw, and it was like that was his signal to say "nope, you already used it."

But he was right. I had already used it. In fact I recycled that last straw many times before it really was the last one.

I feel very alive now. I feel happy again, I don't cry myself to sleep anymore like I did while we were dating. I felt more hurt when we were together than I do now that we are apart. I think he was feeling the same way.

I'm embracing every part of this because it is incredibly amazing when you can feel this way when you're on your own.