I started this morning off by rolling my ass out of bed at 8am, unshowered, only to stand in front of the mirror and puke my guts out. I was on a pretty good "no puking" streak but unfortunately that ended this morning.
I slapped on some makeup, very little onto some very swollen eyes. I didn't cry last night, but I'm exhausted in every form of the word.
I've had many e-mails, texts, and phone calls. I am trying to keep caught up on them. Everyone is shocked and/or in denial about everything it seems.
I'm still slightly in denial about it all. I still sometimes find myself going "Is this really happening?"
The e-mails, calls, texts... they're hard to read. Everyone has been extremely encouraging and supportive. I am realizing I have many people that love me and are here for me should I need them. Even though they make you feel good, they make you feel horrible at the same time. Each one is a constant nagging reminder that this all went wrong. But like I said, at the same time it is nice knowing that people care and I really do appreciate all of the support. The craziest part is I have received some of the sweetest e-mails from people who haven't seen me in years. It is amazing the out pour of love you receive when something like this happens.
Everyone wants to know what happened, where things went wrong. The sad truth is: So do I.
I don't know when or where things changed, but all I will say is that Dario no longer feels the same way about me.
I have no bad to say about anyone. Not Dario, not anyone that knows him.
I am angry. I am upset. I am bitter. I am very hurt. But as for taking it out on anyone else I refuse to do that.
I am trying to see the positive. The fact of the matter is that Dario brought a lot of good in my life. A lot of peace.
I have a lot more self worth and respect now than I ever used to. I am proud of the person I am. I know that I loved whole heartedly and put everything I possibly could into the relationship. I know that there is nothing I could have done differently to keep this from happening. I know I am a good person.
Both him and his family taught me a lot of things. Appreciation for others, love for your family, and compassion. Dario is a good person, despite what he may feel right now.
I openly loved a family that was not easy to love at first. Over time Dario's family became my family away from home. It took a lot of hard work building a relationship with them since we had two completely different backgrounds. In the end though we all really seemed to fit together. I've spent the last 2 years at all of the events, always by his side and sometimes I was even there when he wasn't.
I know that in this, we're not the only ones that are hurting. Our families are very hurt right now and they are all going through a very hard time as well. Our close friends are also going to be affected by this. How can they not be? It changes everything and everyone.
I hope that Dario finds his happiness. His light after the storm so to speak.
As for me. I'm just trying to make it through each day, step by step. At first I felt very ashamed and embarrassed that this happened. But I am thankful it happened now, not 5 years from now when we were married with kids. I just want to make it through this. Somehow I will find a way... and one day the hurt will dissipate, and one day I will heal.
My dad once told me that going through his and my moms divorce was like dealing with a death. I've heard that a few times from others as well.
Sadly, I'm finding truth in that statement. This is like a death.
My music for today? Alicia made me a mix CD of sad breakup songs. I've made my first stop+repeat at Matt Good-Blue Skies Over Bad Lands.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
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9 comments:
Juliana Theory:
We Make the Road by Walking
Something Isn't Right Here
Anberlin - Naive Orleans
I read your blog often, and enjoy it a lot. I just thought I would let you know you are a very strong person. Much stronger then I think I could ever be in this type of situation. I wish you a lot of luck and hapiness.
I'm really sorry to hear about your break up. They are hard and really suck. You WILL feel better and one day will realize it was for the best. Thinking of you!
sooo sorry....
jas
I know that the breakup feels tragic because you've lost a relationship with someone you love, but I don't think it's like a death.
My friend just died suddenly at 23, and if you talk to his girlfriend of 8 years I don't think she'd feel the same way as you. He is gone and she can never talk to him again, never give him a hug, never see him ever again.
You are alive and healthy..Dario is alive and healthy..and if you needed to talk to Dario you could.
There is so much positive that can come of this...and I'm so happy that you're a strong person and can get through this. I just don't want you to think of it as such a terrible event when it isn't as bad as a death. A death is the worst thing that can happen...a breakup is only the worst right now.
...I suppose I'm just sensitive about death right now.
I understand Alicia. I don't mean that it's worse than a death or that it's exactly like it, I more so just mean the grieving/healing process of it is one and the same. It's the same emotions, the same recovery process, and you're still dealing with the loss of someone you love. You ask yourself the same questions "what if this had been done differently?" ... "I wish I could see him, I wish I could hug him and kiss him. Why did this have to happen?" ... You go through the hurt, the anger, the good, the bad... it's just those aspects that I am comparing it to.
Not to belittle a real death, my sympathies, I've lost A LOT of people in my lifetime, and know the difference. But death is final. There is an answer to the loss, they are gone.
Where as the end of a relationship is emotionally confusing and drags on and on.
The end of my relationship was like the a death of a part of me.
So it is a mourning process for sure.
Sadly for me, it didn't end as and when it should have, it dragged on and on and on... until ooops I'm pregnant. Amazing how a new life can be the nail in the coffin of a relationship.
It is hard for me to focus on the positive, as there really wasn't a lot in the last years. So good for you for being able to find the good in your situation.
I know personally I felt like a fool for being in love with someone who claimed he was never in love with me, but that actually isn't my fault. I loved with all my being for 3 years, and I got hurt badly by it.
Babbling now... I just know how confusing and lost you must feel.
All the confusion will clear... eventually.
didn't he propose? why would he do that if he didn't mean it? what a jerk.
Anonymous - things just changed, I guess he thought he was ready at the time and then realized he wasn't. I won't say anything more than that.
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