I Kinda Lost My Head

I analyze myself when I probably shouldn't.

There is a heaviness in my life right now and it's never lifted. Every day it's there when I wake up, and it's still there when I go to sleep at night. I've learned to live with it for the time being, but God I hope it fucks off soon.

I've been questioning whether I'm handling this too well or not well enough. I am finding that I haven't reacted to this as I expected I would, and because I haven't been as upset as I thought I would, that maybe I'm still in the whole denial phase or something.

I expected days/nights of unstoppable sobbing, days of no eating, countless nights without sleep; instead, I've ended up doing basically the opposite. I am asked how I am doing and I reply "I'm okay" or "not bad" and sometimes I'm even "good." I'm not eating much less than I normally would, and I sleep solidly almost every night. I haven't really cried for a few days now. Nothing longer than a few seconds.

I expected that by now I would have already openly cried in front of my roommate or a friend. Instead, I've done neither. I have had tears come to my eyes, but for the life of me I can't cry in front of others. I feel as though I would let myself down if I did. I understand that crying is healthy, but I just can't cry to anyone else. Sometimes I want to, but it just hasn't happened yet. I'm sure it will happen eventually, which is what makes me wonder "Have I really hit rock bottom yet?"

My answer to that all is "I am dealing with this well because this isn't my first hardship in life, I know this isn't the end of the world, and I know it really does get better with time."

Maybe it's guilt? Guilt that I am not "giving the appropriate amount of sadness" that this probably deserves. But what amount of sadness does this really deserve and how do you know it's the right amount? I don't, so I simply remind myself that there is no reason why I should feel like I HAVE to cry, or that I HAVE to want solitude. The only reason guilt is there is because I'm making myself believe that he expects me to be ruined, and I don't have to worry anymore about what he expects, wants, needs, or anything else for that matter, so I should not feel guilty for one single feeling I have.

I truly believe that because of the life I have had that it works to my advantage in times like these. I have spent a great deal of my life dealing with bullshit that was outside of my control. I've been the girl who grew up with two families instead of one. It's not easy, and it doesn't leave you unscathed either.

Somehow I spent a good portion of my life telling myself I would never do what my parents did. I told myself I would never get married before I was 25, if at all. I told myself that I would never say "yes" to someones proposal unless I was absolutely certain that BOTH of us were ready. I also told myself never to rely on anyone other than me.

Somewhere along the way I forgot about all that. Somewhere along the way I forgot that you can never account for anyone else, not their thoughts, not their feelings, not their actions.

I assumed that by someone asking you to marry them, that it meant they were ready. I didn't consider the fact that often people ask other people to marry them because they feel as though it's "just the next step" or the "right thing to do." I'm not saying that's what happened, because I really don't know what changed for him, but I do suspect that the proposal was done for all of the wrong reasons.

It hasn't even been two weeks and already I can see an immense amount of change in my life; both in the person I am now and in the person I was one day going to be.

Two months ago if you asked where I figured I would be in 5 years I could have easily told you. I would be married, with at least one dog, and pregnant. And now -- in two months all of that has changed.

I have a feeling of relief that my life isn't going to be like that now. I'm not saying that to try and be malicious or vindictive, I am saying that because I really am starting to see that we were headed for disaster.

I was willing to give, to compromise, and to overlook. I was too willing, and he was not willing enough. I would not have been happy living my life that way, and he wouldn't have been either.

So instead I'm left with all of this change, and hopefully the strength to be able to deal with it, and surpass this stage of my life. Only time will tell.

I guess I'll go out with a song seeing as how it's become my thing lately.

When my parents were going through their divorce I would see my dad sitting in the living room, drinking, and listening to the same songs over and over. This is one of the songs he would listen to that has always stood out to me. It has always meant something to me, and given the circumstances now it is only that much more appropriate.

It's called "Hasn't hit me yet" by Blue Rodeo.