Kick Me When I'm Down

I'm starting to get nervous about the surgery that's coming up on Monday.

When I say that I'm nervous people automatically assume it's because I'm scared about whether or not it will hurt or that something may go wrong. That isn't the case at all. I don't care that it's going to hurt, I know it's going to so there's no point in worrying about that. They're going to be jabbing my insides with a giant steel rod and filling me up with carbon dioxide (that will add pain in extra places such as my shoulders and chest.) ... On top of that I'll be having an IUD inserted which can also be painful as they open up your cervix to insert it. Considering I've never had a baby it will be extremely uncomfortable to do this. On top of that I may have serious cramping for a few months afterwards. The repercussions of all of this is somehow worth it though, I suppose.

What I'm actually worried about is that this is basically the determining factor. I've said it before and I'll say it again... it's the fear of ACTUALLY knowing that there is either something wrong, or that there is nothing wrong... and both answers aren't great outcomes.

Should they find nothing, then I am still in pain and have to find a way to deal with it because I've pretty much expired my options at this point. Unless of course the IUD helps which it may. After that I've expired my options though.

Should they find something, should I in fact have endometriosis, then that outcome is even worse than having nothing wrong.

I want to feel justified. I want to be able to say "I feel this way because there is a problem" ... but the same part of me doesn't want there to be a problem in the first place. Part of me hopes I just get really bad periods and that at least my organs are healthy.

Should there be a problem then I have worry caused by whether or not my reproductive organs are in fact reproductive. I could spend years trying to have a baby and never be able to conceive. Again, my biggest fear is exactly that.

People often wonder why I love kids so much, or why I can inguage in conversation with a 3 year old and actually be intruiged by it or enjoy it. I love kids, I always have. I think they bring the most incredible joy to peoples lives and there is nothing that could ever replace that. They are what makes a family. In my opinion it should always be "and baby makes three" ... or four or five or however many a family wants to make.

It's only been recently that I've thought about having children more. Of course getting married next year has a lot to do with it. I have found that person that I want to have a family with. I've never not wanted a family, but I've never worried about it before like I do now. I always figured that when I was ready to have kids I'd be able to have them. Unfortunately now I'm facing a terrifying situation where I may find out that I could either have a lot of trouble getting pregnant in the first place, or not being able to get pregnant at all. When I have that in the back of my mind and I see someone elses baby, it doesn't just give me the typical "Oh I want one he/she's so cute!" baby fever... instead I get that, and then secretly in the back of my head am saying "I hope I can. I hope I can."

Having a child is not a God-given right. It is a God-given GIFT and you should be so lucky to be given that.

While I have bitched and moaned about the pain for so long, and want to put an end to it... right now alls I can think is "I don't care about the pain, I just want to be healthy. Please let me be healthy."