The Only One Who's Ever Known

I am a very out of place person right now. I missed Fort today for the first time for a reason other than my family being there.

I always say that I didn't leave much behind, and I didn't except for family and friends... but family and friends mean a lot.

I've been living here for a year and 8 months now. I still feel like a complete outsider. It is a really strange feeling when you go from being someone, to being no one really. In Fort I was comfortable, I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I got along great with most people there and had close friends to turn to if I ever needed to, but also to just go hang out with one on one and maybe have lunch together or even just have a movie/nintendo night. I was the only Marlee in the town so I went from being a bit of an individual to being a speck amongst millions of people.

I'm very rough around the edges and I don't know how that portrays to others. Unfortunately it's just the person I am. Because of growing up in a small town that is quite on the redneck side it has just instilled certain qualities in me and that is one of them. But now when I go back to Fort I don't feel like I fit in there anymore either. I have changed since I left and that old piece of me is gone, and it was the piece that allowed me to be a part of that town. Now I'm no longer a part of it, but I haven't found the piece that makes me feel included in this city.

I don't know how long it's going to take, but it's such an odd thing now. I am a hermit because I still don't know many people here but also because I can't afford to be out all the time. I guess I just miss being able to phone up those friends and be like "Hey whats up you wanna go to prince this weekend??" or "Hey do you wanna come boating today?" or "Let's go sledding/swimming today" or even just a simple "Hey, do you wanna come over and watch a movie with me, it's been a rough day."

I just don't have that anymore. Those friends that I used to have connections with are all over the place now. Those friends I've known since we were snotty nosed kids, who's parents worked with mine, they're gone now. Those friends I used to get together with and just laugh and talk about useless shit or just to talk about the bad days we had, they're gone. They're all left behind and it really sucks some days because just as I have changed, so have they, I guess I just feel more at fault for the fading friendships since I was the one that left.

I feel very alone some days. Everyone has a history with one another, and I don't have that. I'm just some girl that's come along and is a part of the group but has never been and never will be an original component. I'm an oddball out with a weird personality, and I feel as though it is a difficult personality to like. I know I have a weird sense of humour, I know I have a horrible habit of interrupting at times, I talk a lot and can be very opinionated. I don't possess some of the greatest qualities out there I know, but the only word I can think of to describe it all is "gangly." ... I just feel "gangly."

I just don't have that female best friend anymore. The closest person I have to talk to about things with is Megan and she's 8 hours away so our means of communication is mainly e-mails and the occasional phone call. I wish she lived closer because I know we would see eachother often just because we're very alike in the way we both are now. We changed in the same ways and at the same times too. The problem is in the ways I have changed, it's resulted in losing a lot of good friends. Kat for instance being a prime example. I don't smoke pot anymore and I don't get wasted every weekend, but I won't lie that I miss the nights where Kat and I would just smoke a joint and laugh for hours on end but also talk about things, our boyfriends, our lives, our dreams, whatever. We had a history, we knew eachother. We used to hang out in the halls in highschool at lunch time in the same damn spots and just bullshit about all the boy drama we were having or whatever we were feeling. I miss having her come over before going out and we'd get all dolled up together and I'd do her hair and makeup or whatever. It was just the typical girly friend shit that you do, but I don't have that at all anymore. Or even the time we got together so she could pierce my lip or my ear. Or when we pierced our friends nipple for her. It's just stupid shit but it's the memories. When our friend Martin died, Kat, Amber, myself, we were all there for eachother.

I don't get to really see or feel a part of anything that is mine anymore. I don't have my family here. I don't have my close girlfriends here. I've surrounded myself willingly with men because it seems like they're the only ones that remotely accept the person I am, vulgarity and all. I'm just tired of it I suppose. I miss feeling loved and accepted for who I am, I miss feeling a part of special history's ... I miss girly conversations ... I miss having outlets, whether those outlets were days/nights out with just a bunch of girls or venting frustrations or problems to a girl who understands me.

I made a good choice in moving here, and I love this city, I just need to start finding a way to become more a part of it and making it my complete home.

The Fray - You Found Me
Damhnait Doyle - Darkness 'Round The Sun