Weekend blues and Sunday Morning Snooze

Today will be better than Friday and Saturday.

Dario is hiking this morning. I have skipped church so that I could sleep in as this will be my only day off for the next 4 weeks. I have decided to use my time wisely today.

I don't have much laundry to do, so I am going to put it off for now. I'm going to head to metrotown to look for dresses for my friend Megan, and I would like to go see Jon again today. Lloyds trip to Vancouver was canceled so I no longer have that plan in motion. But it will be nice to have time to do some other things.

I had a really hard time seeing Jon on Friday but we were both in good spirits and were able to joke and laugh. Given the condition he is in I think it is amazing that he's able to still have a light heart. I was okay when I left the hospital but by the time I got home it really started to hit me of what was happening. In particular watching the nurse come in and change his chemo drug to the next one and seeing it drip away into his IV knowing full well that it is poisoning his cancers. It breaks my heart to know that he's gotta go through this.

I've been at a loss for words and there's a million things running through my mind that I want to tell him. But at the same time I don't want to say something that might upset him. I was reading some of his old e-mails, there were so many good ones, but there was one direct, straight to the point e-mail he once wrote me that I think sums up what I need him to hear from me.

It says this:

"Hey Marlee,
I know that you are going through a hard time. Believe me, I have been there. I just want to remind you that you are never alone because I am always here to support you. All you have to do is ask for my help and I will do all that I can. I love you buddy.
Jonathon David Larsen"

... It pretty much sums up the things that I need him to know. His family and girlfriend are here with him right now. He has some support. He was blown away when I walked in the hospital room. He had no idea how I found out so quickly. Word travels fast in small towns. Somehow the news managed to get from Vancouver to Vanderhoof, to Fort St. James, and back to Vancouver in less than 3 days. I always worried that if something ever happened to him that I wouldn't find out for a very long time since we don't have a lot of common friends between us, maybe one or two.

I've almost been acting as though he is dying or has died... but that isn't what I am thinking. I am hurting for him and what he is going through. Yesterday I cried a lot. I could hardly get out of bed and open my eyes yesterday morning since I cried so much the night before. I wanted to skip work but I dragged my ass in 15 minutes late. I cried the whole way to work and sucked it up when I went inside. I didn't talk to anyone for at least an hour or two and just kept to myself. Everyone could tell something was up cause that is obviously not how I typically am and a few of them asked what was going on. I talked to Simon about it, and I teared up when I told him. I promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of any of the guys at work just because it's a "I'm too tough" kind of front... but had I sat there for another minute with Simon I probably would have been complete water works. I managed to pull it together somehow. I was going to ask to leave at lunch but decided I would just try to make it through the day because I can't stop functioning in my own life when things turn to shit around me. I cried some more at lunch and then the guys were joking and laughing which lightened up my mood a little and at the end of the day I left.

Dario had planned on coming over. I was a horrible Valentines day girlfriend this year but that's alright I suppose since Valentine's day just isn't something important to me. I made a quick but tasty dinner and Dario picked up "Horton hears a who" to watch afterwards. He said I would like it and wasn't going to let me have a bad night. I started to fall asleep after dinner because I was exhausted and as he went to put on the movie I out of nowhere started to cry again. It really does just happen when you least expect it to. Finally we got the movie going so that I could get my mind on other things, and for the first time that day I was able to stop thinking about Jon for a few hours and just spend some good time with Dario. We talked a lot about the things we look forward to when we're married and just things we can do with the house decorating wise. What we want to do with our bank accounts etc. But it was nice to talk about those things, it makes me so happy to know that I get to spend the rest of my life with him so it was a very nice and easy way to help cheer me up.

I got a good nights sleep and feel rejuvinated today. My mind wanders of course but I know that the initial shock of everything is settling down and I can start to get back on track and be there for Jon. I just want him to know that I love him. I just can't believe how fast everything happened. In one week he started having headaches, was sent to Prince George, shipped immediately to Vancouver, found a brain tumour, found out he had cancer in his testicles and that was what spread to his brain, has had brain surgery already, and has started Chemo treatments. One week. It's unreal. His birthday is this month, on the 21st. He will be 23 years old. I hope that being so young will help him in the recovery process. He's a strong young guy so hopefully it gives him that upper hand to get through this better. The doctors say it's a 60-70 percent chance he can beat it. That's not overly high, but it's good for what he's got and I'm in high hopes that it's going to happen!

Sorry for the extremely depressing blog today. I'm feeling as though I need to get some of it out the best I can, get passed the "I can't believe this is happening" mode and get into "alright this is happening and what can I do to help" mode. My next blogs will be happier I promise.