...everything and a little bit more

I've shut myself away in my bedroom and don't really feel like coming out.

Today was a horrible day.

I've had friends pass away, I've had friends get surgeries, I've had family members diagnosed with cancers and heart problems and die. I've handled all of those things quite well. But this... it's the worst yet.

You hear about people getting cancer, and it's something that is a normality in today's world. My grandpa had cancer, and I was upset when he passed away of course. I cried because I was going to miss him, but I was also happy that finally he could stop suffering. He lived a good, decently long life, and it made it easy to let go when I knew he'd had a good run.

There's not as much sensitivity towards the C word anymore. There's numerous treatments out there for certain types that can be quite successful... but of course there's the cancers that everyone hears about and says "wow, he/she has got no chance." We've all said it. There's no denying that when someone gets brain cancer you say "fuck they're pretty much a goner."

You hurt for the person going through it, you support them, but you don't understand why they hold on so much. You don't understand why they have such high hopes for such a hopeless disease. No one understands unless they go through it with someone they are close with or has the disease themselves.

My ex's dad has brain cancer. And as much as I hurt for his family, I couldn't understand why Brett's mom is so full of hope that her husband will be okay. His cancer is bad. It's inoperable and in advanced stages. It would take a miracle to save him now... yet she still has hope. I couldn't understand it.

But I get it now though. I understand why there's so much faith and hope for the healing of those people... Because today I got the news that you too were sick. And I get it.

I get it because you are 22. I get it because I love you. I get it because we have spent many years talking and hanging out and it is just too soon to let anything like that hurt you. And I won't prepare for the worst. I'm going to see you through this and hope that when this is all over, you can say "ha, fuckin showed you cancer" just like we said tonight at the hospital.

And you will show it. You went through hell and back, drug phases and everything, and you came from rock bottom and turned your life around. And I sat there every day making sure you knew just how much you were loved in hopes that you wouldn't give up. You never gave up. You turned your life around so you could live it and I will NOT sit by and say "he's a goner" and have cancer consume you after all you've done just to enjoy your life in the first place.

"I won't let them get the best of me. This is the path I've made for me. You were my shield from the enemy. Always right there by my side. You were there for me. You were everything. When I felt like nothing, you still believed in me... you were there for me. Forever in debt of gratitude. Unconditional love and support. You paved the way. You gave me strength. Forget the past. Look back at me and I'll be there. Through years of discipline to never settle for second best.... the years of sacrifice... you were there for me. I've got to find a way to thank you marlee for everything you've done for me, the sacrifice you made for me. You gave me strength. Without you my life would not be the same."

You wrote that in an e-mail to me years ago. And I kept it because it was something that meant so much to me to know that finally, FINALLY you could start living your life. So I am going to write that down for you to read. To remind you through this whole journey you have ahead of you that just like all the rest of the shit that's happened, you will find a way to get through this too.

I love you Jon, and I'm gonna see you through this. It hurts like hell and it's scarier than anything I've ever known, but I know that you're gonna walk out of that hospital in a few months with a wicked sweet half shaved head and a huge scar. And eventually that hair will grow back and the scar is going to be the only thing you have left from this. I will pray every day until that happens.