...everything and a little bit more

Tonight I took a good long drive. I started at Canada Way/Royal Oak... went back towards gaglardi way... exited onto highway 1 and drove out to the taylor way exit in west van... crossed the lions gate bride into the downtown region... crossed cambie street bridge, got onto west broadway and drove all the way back to burnaby via lougheed and came home.

My thing when I'm upset or stressed out or pissed off or whatever, is that I like to drive and re-play the same song a ridiculous amount of times until I've played it out and feel well enough to change it.

Just as I was getting into my car to leave Dario's house my boss called me to tell me that all the guys were thinkin about me and were hoping everything would get better. He caught me at a shitty time because I had just started to really cry and once I start there's no turning back, especially if I'm being talked to about what's going on. I apologized for missing so much work, told him I wouldn't be going to Fort so I would be back to work on Monday. He told me not to apologize and that everything would be alright, to do whatever it is I need to do and they'll see me when they see me. It's really nice of him but I still plan on going back to work on Monday. Sometimes the best thing you can do is try to get your mind off of things and I'm hoping that maybe I can find a way to do that. Either way it was really nice to know that everyone was worried about what's going on since they know it's been a rough couple of weeks already. I don't know what will happen yet. My little brother didn't want to talk to anyone today, maybe tomorrow or the next day he'll be okay to come on the phone so I can tell him I love him. For now passed along messages will have to do. I don't know what's going on yet, I haven't talked to anyone since this afternoon and I don't know if they took his dad off life support later today or what their plan was yet... so it's still a waiting game. I don't want to phone my family and bug them cause I know whatever happens my parents will be busy with Josh since he's going to need them right now so I'll wait until I feel it's a better time to call. I still don't know what I should do in terms of going there. I want to, but my parents don't want me to spend a bunch of money and miss a bunch of work since it will only cause me more stress in the end.. but sometimes there's things in life that are more important than money and to me this is one of those times. I will leave it up to Josh. I'll let him know that if he needs me there I can be there.

I'm glad I went for a drive. I wanted to go for a walk earlier tonight but decided Dario and I would do that tomorrow instead. I stayed for a bit and talked with Dario about things for a little while, but his family was there and I felt a little uncomfortable I guess with being like this in front of them so I decided I would leave. I was just going to go home but then I started driving and wasn't ready to stop by the time I neared my house.

I don't have a map in my car anymore so I thought I would try to stick to an easy route. However I wasn't ready to turn when I saw any familiar turns so I just kept going straight. I noticed the lights from the bridge and decided thats where I was headed since I haven't been across it before. (I've lived here how long now?) So I navigated my way there and hoped I was right. It's nice when you're driving somewhere you're a little less familiar with because you stop worrying about whatevers on your mind and start paying attention to your surroundings a little more. I guess it's my therapy or something.

I'm absolutely horrible at dealing with stress. I just lose all composure after awhile. I'm a very sensitive person when it comes to the people I love and when anything happens to them I take it very hard. I don't know if it's a girl thing or if I'm just too sensitive or what, but it's just a part of who I've always been and it's not something I will ever lose. It's almost as if I have too much compassion or something. I just hate that feeling of being hurt and I would do anything to keep anyone I love from feeling that way. I don't know why I'm like that, and I know it's not the healthiest thing or most beneficial thing for ones self, but I just don't know any other way to change that.

Oh well. I'm going to try to get back to this "one day at a time" thing and really try to stick to it. Remind myself that I just have to deal with it, and maybe take frequent walks to try to clear my head when it starts to be too much. I hope this is the last of it. Maybe March will be better.