The Day That Never Came

I woke up Saturday morning incredibly unrested. Somehow the time seems to fly by these days and I never pay attention to the date anymore.

In all honesty, I had a horrible sleep because I had a really awful dream. It's rare that I ever dream about people I know that are recent in my life. I find that I dream of childhood friends/babysitters, or just people I don't really know all that well. Since I never seem to dream of people that are "current" in my life, I found it really strange that I had a dream about Dario on Friday night.

My subconscious was obviously aware of something that I clearly wasn't and was either trying to tell me something, or was just trying to get in the first "fuck you" dig for the day.

My dream was a really sad dream. I dreamt that Dario had died. I debated with myself whether or not it was appropriate for me to go to his funeral, but decided that I felt as though I should. Even though we no longer talk it's not like I have any hard feelings towards him. I went to his funeral and it was horrible. Pat and Danielle were absolute wrecks and overall the whole dream was just incredibly shitty. So on top of having a shitty dream that made me wake up in tears I also felt really out of sorts for having dreamt about people I knew.

I always like to look up dream meanings because I find them interesting, this is what came up this time:

To see someone dying in your dream, signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person.

It wasn't until I got to work and started my day that things went for an even more weird turn. I had honestly forgot what day it was. It didn't even remotely cross my mind until I went to the cleaning list, initialed it, and wrote the number "22" down to say that I had cleaned this particular item on the 22nd. By that point I had already even talked to Danielle that morning and everything. Still, nothing triggered it until I wrote down that damn "22." I stopped and looked at the number and realized it's familiarity and even second guessed it by asking myself, "is it really Saturday today?" All of a sudden my stomach sank and I was instantly overwhelmed with the thought, "Today was the day I was supposed to get married."

It was the most bizarre feeling I think I have ever felt. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry, but I wasn't happy either. I almost just felt out of place. I looked at the clock at quarter to 1 and realized that at that time I was once supposed to be waiting outside of a church getting ready to walk inside to become Mrs. Perizzolo... instead I was now at work in a salon in Vancouver.

It was hard to believe that the day was finally here so to speak, because even though the relationship is over I've somewhat been anxious about having that day approach because I had no idea what it would be like and if it would affect me or not.

Well, it definitely did. All day I couldn't shake this weird feeling and I couldn't stop thinking about it. The whole day felt off, everything I did felt weird, and nothing had a good vibe that day. For some reason a lot of people kept talking about weddings that day, either that or I just seemed to notice it more. I jokingly sent a text to someone and said "it's probably a good thing I don't have my wedding dress in my house or I might just go home, put it on, and bathe myself in chocolate." I wasn't actually that bummed out but I often try to mask my awkward feelings by saying something that will make me laugh or make someone else laugh. I feel like it takes the awkwardness out of situations but it didn't really work this time around.

Even though everything has worked out for the better for the both of us it was obviously a little bit sad. It's pretty hard not to be at least a little sad about something like that because it definitely brought up a few old emotions.

When I got off work at 6 I started to drive home and then somehow ended up in Hope. I just couldn't be in Vancouver. I didn't want to be anywhere near here actually. I wanted to be away from everything that reminded me of anything. It seems over exaggerated but it's not at all. I just wanted to try to get as far away from the reminders as possible until I shook the feelings I was having. I don't think I was meant to have a good drive though because I couldn't find a good song that I wanted to profusely repeat the fuck out of until I was sick of it and sick of driving. I called Jess when I was nearing Chilliwack and told her I wasn't going to make it for her birthday dinner. It wasn't until I said it out loud to her as to why I didn't want to be there that I started to choke up a bit. I hung up the phone and just kept driving.

It may sound incredibly ridiculous but finally by the time I hit Hope I was ready to stop but only because I had to pee and I was starving. I stopped at Subway because it seemed familiar and I wanted a fuckin sammich hah. I ordered my sandwich and for some reason the girl doubled up on the meat. I'm talkin twice the ham, twice the turkey, and twice the bacon. Then I decided to make it a meal and add the cookies. I got into the car to start driving and eat and I noticed she had given me 3 cookies instead of 2, and had also charged me like 4 bucks less than she should have. For some weird reason that made my whole day. It actually 100% changed my mood and it's the most ridiculous thing that's ever gotten me out of a funky mood in my entire life... especially a mood that had lingered all day over something that's pretty serious. So I happily ate my sandwich and cookies and started to drive home and decided that I'd meet up with some people when I got back into town. ... So yeah, thanks to the girl at the Hope Subway with the lip ring for weirdly making my day.

I'm glad that day has come and gone now though. I'm mostly glad because now I feel like everything really is behind me. Everything else already was but it just seemed like that last little bit was lingering. I'm very thankful I never ended up getting married. I don't mean that in any possible rude way, just an honest thought accompanied with a sigh of relief.

The things that could have been could have been much worse than they ever were. If this all happened for no other reason than for me to get to know myself and to know my limits, then I am still incredibly thankful. I've taken more risks since this all happened than I ever have and am still continuing to do so. The only difference is now instead of stressing out and getting all worked up about making those changes, I now get excited about them and look forward to them. I also really love the fact that I do what I want to do now, when I want to do it. I have my hobbies again and I keep gaining more and more. I do the jobs I want to do, I have no fears of starting a new job or quitting an existing one, nor does making that decision stress me out at all anymore. That may or may not be a good thing but I at least have the brains on me to know when the timing is right to make that sort of decision so I think it's probably a good thing. I'm even finding it exciting to be dating again and by no means am I in any rush to be in a steady serious relationship, but new company is both enjoyable and exciting.

I've truly grown to love and be comfortable with the person I am. There is nothing I could have gained from this all that means more than that does.

It's all simple now. I know what I want in my life and I'm working hard to get there; and I do mean working hard. But, nothing that's worth having ever comes easy, right?