The Truth

It has been a very frustrating week or two and I have finally lost it. I've lost my composure and have allowed myself to fully break down.

It was something I've avoided and haven't wanted to do for numerous reasons. I didn't want to have some of those feelings surface because none of it feels good and it's exhausting. On top of it all it's added stress to my already stressful life.

I am exhausted with some people telling me what I should or shouldn't be feeling, or how I should and shouldn't be doing things. I am not hurting myself any further than I already am. Happiness comes over a course of time, it is not something that happens over night. I do enjoy the simple pleasures in life and I am able to have fun and enjoy myself. I'm not holding myself back from anything. The only thing I haven't allowed myself to do is scream and yell at one specific person, and that's now out of the way. What not everyone is understanding is that this IS too soon and I am not ready for certain things.

Last night ended in a very heated conversation with the ex. This was bound to happen eventually. I have tried to keep my negative feelings to myself for numerous reasons. I have wanted to avoid that whole topic as much as possible because I just haven't felt like it was necessary. It turns out that apparently it was. It's not that I have been avoiding venting, it's that the only person I want to "vent" to just so happens to be the person I am angry with and I wasn't ready to do that yet.

One of my reasons for this is I just don't feel good feeling angry feelings, but I also don't feel good when I share those feelings with others. I don't like saying bad things about people. I don't think anyone understands some of the lessons I was taught growing up. That old familiar phrase of "if you haven't anything nice to say, it's better to say nothing at all" comes into play here. While screaming at the top of your lungs or venting to someone can be therapeutic, it's not my ideal way of coping all the time. I have vented, I do vent, it is just to a very select few people who I trust and am comfortable talking to. I'm also trying to be as respectful as possible, something that clearly not everyone gets.

A lot of it to me is about being a better person than the other person. They expect you to get angry, they expect you to say rude things to them, they expect you to want to rip their face off. It's almost as if they need it to move on in their lives and often they don't know what to do when you don't get mad at them for the things they feel like you should. You can call it a pride issue if you want, but at the end of the day it has nothing to do with pride. It's simply about doing what I feel is comfortable and right for me. I have never screamed at someone even while dating them. I've just never been pushed to that point and why people feel the need to push me to that point is beyond me. It takes a lot for me to get to a point of rage. I get irritated, I get frustrated, but to finally break and yell at someone is something that rarely happens.

Last night ended up being a disaster. Hours of crying and wanting to rip someones throat out, and then hours of discussion with others after the fact.

At the end of the day, I got hurt. Someone made a pretty huge fuck up, and while I've made mine and I will openly admit to my faults, I don't think there is any arguing that the biggest fuck up of them all was made on the opposite persons behalf.

I wish some people would quit shrinking me and acting as if they know what's best for me. They didn't know then and they still don't know now. I'm not holding myself back from being happy. Sometimes it feels like everything seems to be about them, when they really have no idea how I'm actually feeling.

He stopped knowing me the day we ended. The person he knew is a very distant person now. There's been a lot to change in the past couple of months. The tables have turned, and unless someone ever puts him through this he will never know exactly how I feel. I don't care how much he tortured himself with his decisions. I understand he hurt too, I get that he had his own problems, but at the end of it all, he has no idea what it feels like on this side of the bridge. And I actually hope he never does because it's not fucking pleasant and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I stopped living for him when we broke up and I started living for me. So whatever I am doing right now is being done FOR ME. Not for him, not for anyone else.

So I suppose the beast has been released. I do feel quite a lot better after last night. I don't feel better because I told him honestly how I've been feeling, because none of what I say or feel changes anything that's happened. What's done is done, it's just a matter of moving past it. But I feel better because it allowed me to come to terms with some more things and I talked it out with some good friends who I love and appreciate every little piece of.

The words "I broke up with you so that we could both be happy" keep going around and around in my head. I get that, but he's had a good 6 month jump start on working through his feelings. I will heal in my own time and I WILL be happy and I am quite happy even right now. As Alicia would say... I am not superwoman. There is some underlying anger that is there and I think it's there for some pretty damn good reason. I don't think anyone would come out of something like this and NOT be angry with how things were handled.

I have a lot of responsibility right now, a lot to work through, and I'm going through a lot more than he is. In the end I had a lot more to lose than he did, so how I heal is going to be a much more timely process. It's been a long week or two and I'm looking forward to a much better week now that this is over.

End of story.