The angry phase has hit.
I drove around for an hour in my car with a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel and all I wanted to do was scream. So I did.
I don't know what I'm angry about exactly, I guess the question that keeps popping into my head is "why?"
My chest hurts... really it's just the tension of all my fucking arteries constricting because of the immense amounts of stress I'm feeling. I have butterflies in my fucking lungs and I want to rip them out.
I did okay yesterday, I didn't cry once. I'm paying for it today.
I guess I'm angry because all he has to do is remove me from his life and that's the only element of change he will have to deal with. Everything else stays the same for him, his friends, his family, his life.
I lose everything. Everything. Even the things that I don't lose, they're still changing. There's circumstances there now that never used to be there. I can't see people when I want it has to be when they want and when Dario won't be around.
It's all different now.
I'm just mad at the changes. I've never been one to adjust well to abrupt changes, and I know I'm sensitive so it doesn't help.
How do you not be angry when something you wanted so bad to work out, doesn't? How do you not be angry when someone you love more than anything, decides that they don't love you anymore? How can you not be angry when by no choice of your own your entire life has to change in drastic measures?
Someone tell me how? Because I can't quite figure it out.
I just want to stop feeling. I just really really don't want to feel today. I want to go back to work. Anything is better than being alone with me right now.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
growing up i had terrible anxiety...it was paralyzing and horrible. i started to see a psychologist and she taught me how to practice 'mindfulness'. it was difficult at first but what i learned to do was live in every moment and every task instead of in my head. if you are washing the dishes. WASH the dishes, smell the soap, feel the water. if you are going for a drive, look at the scenery, feel the steering wheel. stop letting your mind take you places that you probably don't need to go.
even though i haven't met you i know you are a wonderful girl. and you will be fine in the end...no, you will be BETTER than fine. you will be great.
Krista is right.
Find something inspiring and print it out and post it on a mirror. Every time you look at yourself, you're likely to read this and feel good about yourself!
A personal favourite is
"When we long for life without difficulty, remind us that oak trees grow strong in contrary winds, and diamonds are made under pressure"
ugh you actually want to go back to work? its sunday afternoon and i have anxiety because i really don't want to go back to work :/
then make them better changes
Krista that is an awesome suggestion. I will try to do that because yeah, my anxiety gets very out of hand sometimes. I've gotten most of it under control but definitely still struggle with it through things like this.
I like your idea as well (Jas?? haha I think it's you!) ... I have been contemplating putting up healthy reminders in places I will see them often. As well as inspirational things.
Yes Stef I really do want to go back to work haha, it takes up 8 hours of my day that I can really try to focus on other things.
Mike -- Slowly but surely, I am trying.
Nope it wasn't me! BUt i love the quote....but I agree with the advice. Reading is great therapy...Im a self help lover...I love reading things on personal growth.
Right now is a great time to discover and love yourself! Read, read , read.....Eat Pray LOve is awesome!! Cant wait for the movie to come out. I know the book is always better but the author is such a success story...have you seeen her being interviewd on Oprah? Im sure you can find her interviews online....
Jas
Jas, you told me to read that too, HAHA I didn't though.
Miss M, all this is normal. Just live through it, and learn and grow and you will be. Just be.
:)
Post a Comment