I wish I could just sleep when I get like this.

I want the next few days to be over with.

It's been a few months since I've had a full blown cycle and I'm actually extremely scared of what this one is going to be like. I haven't had a regular one in about 3 months now cause of the last pill I was on, so this will be the first one in awhile and I'm terrified of what's going to happen. I am so scared of feeling the pains in their fullest that I could cry at any given moment. I have already been popping anti-inflammatories for the past couple of days to keep things at bay for awhile and it hasn't even started yet. I can already feel it intensifying and I can't even begin to explain how upset and let down I am yet again.

No one should be so scared of their monthly period that they cry everytime they start to get it.

Everytime I'm given something new to try I really do hope that it's going to work. I give it a chance regardless of the past let downs and build up my hopes and try to stay positive. I tell myself that maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. When it isn't different it breaks my soul and I'm reminded of how badly I just want to be done with this crap.

I can't stop thinking about the surgery. I have this really big fear right now that they won't find anything and that maybe I'm just being a big wimp. I kind of feel like I'm going crazy and am even starting to doubt myself because the doctors have been telling me I'm fine for so long. I'm terrified they'll tell me that nothing is wrong and that there's nothing they can do to help me. I often have to remind myself that yes I am feeling pain and no it is not normal. I have to remind myself that I know my body and I know that something is not right.

I don't know what will be worse -- actually having something wrong or finding nothing wrong at all and not knowing what's causing this. At this point I think I'd be more upset to find nothing wrong than to find something wrong, but at the same time I'm going to be crushed if I have something wrong that interferes with being able to have kids.

I've had my share of stresses but this is by far the biggest one I've ever had. Whatever it ends up being, whether it's something or nothing, I can deal with it so long as it doesn't inhibit my ability to have children. That will truly crush me. I'm all for adoption, but I just want one of my own, one that I can look at and see a part of me and a part of my husband in.

I can only hope that whatever the outcome of this ends up being it won't ruin the one dream I've always had.