Losing it slowly but surely

Ugh this is getting ridiculous. I woke up this morning with really bad pains in my lower abdomen again. I had them really bad last night but sucked it up to visit with everyone at the pub. So I have decided to stop looking for a female doctor in particular but instead just any doctor that is taking clients.

I have chosen a male doctor. He is in North Van and I go to meet him tomorrow after work. His schedule is perfect because he only works afternoons and evenings, which will cause me to miss less time from work as opposed to the other appointments I've been having. I already miss enough work due to all of the problems itself that I don't need to miss more on top of that to go see the doctor.

His name is Dr. Vala. Dario's cousin Rachel gave me the number to the clinic to try for her doctor, but she isn't accepting new patients, but I decided to try someone else in the clinic. Since the clinic is strictly for obstetrics and gynecology I figure anyone there should be better than the others I have been seeing in the past. So tomorrow evening after work I will meet with my new doctor to see if we like eachother, and hopefully all will go well. Then after that I can make an appointment to start finding what the hell is wrong with my insides.

My brain is pretty much driving me crazy because I'm starting to fear the worst. There are two very likely possibilities that the doctor had given me (not the one that was actually a gyno just a regular day to day family practitioner,) fibroids or endometriosis. I'm hoping for neither obvs. I was prescribed a new birth control (the fourth kind I'll have tried now) in hopes that it will help with the symptoms I get, but if it's fibroids then the pill will only worsen the symptoms, and if it's endometriosis it won't stop the pain or anything else for that matter. I'm holding my hopes high that this pill might work, but at the same time I'm running out of faith on prescriptions since the last 3 pills haven't worked, as well as I've had another type of medication that was suppose to lessen the bleeding but that didn't work either, and I've tried a multi-vitamin with iron to help replenish those levels that I lose every month. However nothing is seeming successful and I am exhausted with trying at this point. Everything is getting worse over the years, and nothing has even been concluded yet. At least if there was a concrete diagnosis then treatment can be started, but until I find out what's actually wrong I have to live with it.

I'm sure my bosses are just as tired of me missing work as I am, and I still worry that eventually it will become an issue for them. They're very sympathetic and understand that something is going on, especially since both of them have been married before. My one bosses girlfriend has had cancerous cells found 6 times now, and my other bosses ex wife had fibroids so he understands the sort of problems that come along with it all. Regardless of how sympathetic they may be, they still have a business to run and if my missing work all the times ends up causing problems for the business then obviously something will end up having to be done about the situation.

Everything is just getting extremely stressful and tiring. I'm wearing very thin emotionally. The fact that I am generally a pretty strong person makes it even more stressful because it is simply something that is out of my hands. I have no control over the situation and it's hard to accept. If it was just a mental stress like 'my boyfriend and I are fighting' or 'my boyfriend dumped me'... that sort of stress, then you have control and can choose to get through it and be okay. But the fact that this has control over me both mentally and physically I am simply breaking down.

I have the biggest fear right now that I am going to be unable to have children. Dario mentioned getting married and having kids recently and I burst into tears because to be honest, I'm trying not to think about my hopes of one day having a family incase the news comes that I can't. The only thing I have ever wanted, and have always wanted, is children. So the thoughts in the back of my head aren't going away, they always pop up, and I'm just ready to lose it.

At least the busy schedule helps keep my mind off of things for the time being, but at the same time I'm starting to feel like I just need a time and a place to lose my composure completely. I want to lose that composure just to get it off my chest for now so that I can be empty and ready to tackle this again for the next few days, weeks, months, and years. I am much too tired to deal with this for much longer, I need to get back to zero.